Updates

Oh so long.  Sorry everyone (2 readers??) I've been super busy being a hot mess and kinda finding myself and Jesus on a daily basis.  

Drinking a sleepy time blend after losing my ass on candy crush after a long as day at work.

Work isn't what it used to be.  I used to get annoyed with my co-workers but love my job.  Now I mostly love my co-workers and hate my job.

Every second of every day I crave the unknown.  I crave adventure in the forms of fresh air, green trees, seeing something everyday so beautiful my breath is stolen away, learning new things, and love in the moonlight.

Tonight was a super moon eclipse!!  It's my first time seeing an eclipse and I'll be honest with you, it rocked my world.  Tonight my craving for a breathless moment was answered.

I love how huge events happen in your life and they mean so much and you're never sure if you'll ever get over it, until one day...it doesn't mean anything.  Not the day you lose someone and find out what life isn't really about, I'm talking those feelings you think you have and really you just need to eat a sandwich.  I giggle now, even though I'll probably do it again sometime in life.  Hopefully not, cause it's a waste of time and emotions.  

I realize that people love in different ways, not fully, but to an extent.  Sometimes though meet me where I need you to be.  I'd give you anything.  I give more than I have to those I love, I probably always will, but I need you to be there, don't push, be gentle.  I'm not as strong as I think I am.

I'm going to be spending a lot of time by myself for a little bit.  I need to examine things and try to figure it out enough that I don't watch myself cry.  The tears seem more honest and desperate than they have before.

There's this woman that's kind of stole my heart.  I look at her and am in awe.  We don't see each other very much anymore, cause life is getting in the way, but she always seems to stitch me up where I've been torn.  She's unfailingly generous and funny without trying.  She tells me when I'm being silly and listens to me talk about things she doesn't believe in.  She moves me to be better, to try harder, to spin more colors.

I miss her.

I'm finally getting sleepy so I'll close with this.  Your story is what grips me.  Never lie to me.  Cliche saying but when you think about it for a bit longer than you really should it makes you grin; star shine brightest at night.  Let's change it to; stars are brightest when they're surrounded by darkness.

Warrior on.

A shitty fact

So I'm losing weight.  I need to, I'm huge.  But the shitty thing is, even after I lose this weight all just have excess skin and no boobs so I'll still be unattractive to humanity.  So I'll become healthy to have a better life, so I can live longer....alone?  Kinda Fucked up. 

Skin removal average 3 to 10 grand.  Awesome.

Breast Implants up to 5 grand. 

Should I start taking donations now? 

A legit prayer.

I'm taking a prayer challenge.  I'm sure you've heard me talk about going to college for youth ministry so this shouldn't be a big surprise for anyone.  This is the challenge.
 For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen 

 I don't know the love of God.  I don't have the slightest idea.  I don't know love at all to be honest.  So my prayer starts there.

Awesome God, 
You know I have a hard time saying how I feel, or asking for help, or talking at all.  I know that you're here and you haven't given up on me and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to try and get my life together.  Then again I can't do it on my own so I'm sorry it's taken me so long to even attempt to ask for your help.  I pray God that you would show me your love and help me to understand it.  Let me see myself as you see me, just a little bit.  I pray that you strengthen me in this one area so that it can manifest and show up in all the areas of my life.  I don't want to take anything from this world when I leave, but I do want to leave plenty behind.  In the way that I was able to be Christ to anyone who needed it, and I think we all need it.  Show me your love God, fill me with your power.

God I pray for the same thing for my loved ones.  The ones lost in depression and filled with hopelessness.  The one's that are a slave to their sin filled addictions.  I pray for the ones that don't know you at all.  I pray that you bask them in your strength, that you move in their souls.  God if you showed them how I see them as strong, beautiful, intelligent and interesting people that I love so much, maybe they would begin to see themselves in a different way.  I pray that you break the holds that this world has on them, as you've promised, and open their eyes to the way it is.  God you are their conqueror and nothing is impossible once they realize this.

God my life is changing.  I was told to pray big specific prayers.  The main one is to be overwhelmed with some knowledge of your supernatural love, to feel some love.  God I need to change in almost every way.  I need my heart to change.  I need my way of seeing myself to change.  I need you.  I need you to tear down the walls I've built and use me to your glory.  I need to know my purpose in this world.  The depression has to go away.  I can't think of myself as unlovable anymore.  I can't walk this world hoping that today is my last.  I need to walk this world as a living billboard for your amazing love.  I need to be a warrior for you.  I don't know if this is really what I need but I think it is.   Since I'm without any direction in my life it should be easy for you to point me in the right one.  I ask that I excel in my current job, that I do you as well as the people around me proud.  I pray that you open my heart Lord.  Heal my sore body. The weight of the world is resting on my shoulders at times and I'm done doing this world on my own. I am not strong enough to take care of it all by myself.  Even though for years I've thought I could.  I know it's not your problem, and I got myself into all this mess but please God, help me.  Give me some of your power.  Show me your supernatural Love.
Amen

Flight of fancy

A lot of things are changing.  A part of me craves it!  I welcome the change.  Right now I'm sitting fully dressed with my books packed and the strongest desire has come over me to run.  Just fucking run away.  I have like a hundred dollars to my name, two cats to take care of and a sister and mother who would be lost if I left and I don't care.  I don't care.  I don't think it's solely because I'm sad, I'm not stupid i know if I'm sad here I'll be sad somewhere else.  But that ever present feeling of being trapped is here.  I can't shake it.  I know I'm blessed.  God loves me something fierce or I would have been done awhile ago.  I know I have a good life.  I just can't seem to make my heart feel the same as my mind is telling me.  Or is it the other way around.  Heart knows what's best and my mind is making up some troubles for me.  I write the beginning of this story so many times.  Where I pack up in the middle of the night, fill my gas tank, write some letters and disappear.  Now I've actually got the opening scene to my own private story sitting in my living room and I can taste it.  I can feel the need clawing at me.  It's this deep ache for something more.  In terms of responsibility I am blessed with fewer than most.  I don't have kids.  I have bills and a job and two cats whom I love, but who I could leave.  That kills me to say but it's true. I could leave them.  I have a boy I'll never be good enough for and who will never look at me that way.  I have my sister.  My other half, the only one I think is close enough to getting me, but she has someone to hold her together now.  It's not just the two of us.  And my mom, who would hurt the most.  But at the same time I think she'd get it.  Common sense tells me to sit here and not throw away a good job and a family and a life to ease the need.  It'll pass, you'll be fine, you always are..  Common sense is a bitch sometimes.  I want to go.  I need to.

Inside Out

Went and saw the new Pixar movie with my soul friend tonight.  I understand why people say this will cause talk about mental issues.  I don't know what I have but lately it's been almost impossible for me to not be sad, to not be depressed.  I try and get myself out of the funk, I try.  But it's there.  So I wonder if my joy ran off with disgust or something!?  haha.  I know lame, but possible true.  Game of Thrones! !  Off to read world.  Behave.

Freedom

I never want to be have fear control my life.  I love my mother but she lets a speech impediment control her.  She is it's bitch.  I never want to let something have that much power over me.  It's held her back in all aspects of her life.  Her love life, as in she has been alone for 26 years almost.  Her job.  She's been up for management positions several times and she wont do it for fear of talking.  In simple everyday things that we do so easily, like ordering coffee, or talking on the phone.  All of this is never done by her.  Granted she has gotten a tad better, meaning she will attempt to speak sometimes in gatherings, but she is still consumed by this thing.  I also have fears. I fear failure above almost anything.  Who's definition of failure?  Societies.  Even if I went by my own set of values, I'm still a failure.  I fear never falling in love and having that love returned.  Which is a new fear as I was perfectly content to do everything by myself for the longest time.  I fear never being happy.  This sounds foolish to a lot of people, but if you ask me when I was the happiest I couldn't tell you a time.  I could give you multiple hardships and times where I've crawled out of the massive pit a couple of times but true happiness?  I think that comes with freedom.  Which is my ultimate goal in life.  Freedom.  Freedom from the things of this world.  I've often said how un-materialist I am, it's not a lie.  My vices in that area are books and Dutch Bros and I am partial to running water (although I haven't had water in my house for two years now so I can survive).  My dream would be a green tiny house (green as eco friendly, although color wise it is my favorite) out in the woods somewhere.  Free from the debt I collected when I was young and stupid.  Free from the demons of my soul.   Free to live and love and be loved.  I imagine this picture multiple times a day...in it I have a Dire wolf because why the fuck not, or some rescued pitty, and we're just happy.  If I'm feeling super hopeful I throw a man in there too, but mostly it's that elusive and unfelt feeling that I'm imagining.  Freedom.  Happy.  So I'm taking steps.  I'm trying to work on myself, which is always the hardest.  Even if I'm not happy I'm safe right now.  Safe in my little cocoon of fat and protected by my walls of despair.  I'm not saying this for pitty, I'm saying this because it needs to be said.  People have to overcome, we have to strive to be something better than we were yesterday.  By your own standards.  Not society.  If you are a spiritual person like I am, you can be better by the Creator's standards, and you two work something out.  No one knows your soul like the one who made it.  So here's to beating our fears and becoming free.  My ancestors were warriors.  I'm a warrior.  I will be free.
 

Little bit of a story

Each time she made it home it was a small victory.  Tonight would be no different.  She would get home and go to bed and start the day again and nothing would change.

The parking lot was bright as always and the fear never really started til she got past the first stop light.  She could drive through town but it took three times as long as the back roads and despite her outwardly disposition she had a life to lead.  Besides she was a grown up and grown ups aren't afraid of childish things like the dark.  To be honest though she didn't fear the dark, rather what blended into it.

So she turned left at the stop light as usual and made her way home with the windows up and the radio turned up.  

She kept her eyes on the road ahead and refused to look at the fields to either side of her.  At least it wasn't corn fields.  Name one horror movie that didn't have a corn field.  That's right, it's impossible, they all have corn fields.  

The road was long and curvy and deserted.  She rarely if ever came across another vehicle at this time of night. 

It was at the first stop sign that the hair on her arms stood up and a chill went through her body.  She sat frozen afraid to look and afraid not to look.  Something was watching her.  It was on her left side.  She could feel it.  She knew.

Leaving the stop sign in her dust, and holding her breath.  Ten more minutes and she would be safe in her home, in her bed, safe.

But what was that shadow?  What was that blur?  

65 miles per hour and what was that shadow?  There was no logical explanation for what could be moving that fast.  It was a farming community.  How fast could cows run?

Breathing was becoming a desperate pant and tears were dangerously close.  How long had she avoided this?  How long had it been waiting for her?  A second stop sign was coming up quick, if she didn't lose it now she wouldn't make it past.

80 miles per hour and no sign of the shadow.  Coming up on the stop sign she reluctantly forced herself to stop.

What is it about human nature that makes us want to look when we know we shouldn't?

Just a quick peek, only from the side of her eye, only for a second.

Nightmares pale in comparison.

Every last whisp of breath left her body.

Fear is not able to explain the instant shaking of her body.  Hands too unsteady to keep a hold of the wheel.  In that instant, it was known that she wouldn't be making it home and that any of the most terrible ways to die would be better than her fate.

Slamming a foot as hard as she possibly could, she shot away from the sign, blinded by the tears streaming down her face.

It ran in front of the car.  Easily, as if it was strolling through a park on a sunny day.

If she could have mustered it she would have been screaming, but it was like a nightmare.  You try and try to make a noise but nothing comes out.

As easily as it appeared it disappeared.  It was gone.  The headlights picked up nothing but the chipped pavement and the swaying grass, the broken fence.

65 miles an hour and trying to hold the wheel steady through the tremors.  

Five minutes away from home.

Dare she believe that maybe she had escaped fate again?  

Last stop sign of the night and then it was into town and home free.  

With more control then thought possible she executed a proper stop.  With more bravery then she ever felt she looked full on to the side.

Into the dark.

Nothing was there

Finally air returned to her lungs and she left the stop sign with a hiccup of thanksgiving.

She crossed the bridge into her home base and sighed, looking into the review mirror at the nightmare she had escaped.

I am now thirty years of age.  I feel like I am still 19. I'm learning still.  Always.  I hope I always learn.

A friend made a very good and smart comment to me the other night.  As I'm struggling in a massive way with feelings and my past and God deserting me (it feels like) she told me this.  Jesus was completely alone in the garden. His friend fell asleep and God had to turn away and leave him.  He left him because it was painful and because if he hadn't then Jesus wouldn't be able to truly say that he knows how we feel and he's been through it.  This is the first time I've ever thought of that.  It makes so much sense.  I get it.  I haven't turned away from God but I feel as if he's left me alone to deal with my own shit.  I'm still living by faith even if I've lost it, which probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  It does in my head so go with it.

It's a comforting thought.

Other than that I went jogging for the first time in like a year.  I'm going to be so sore tomorrow, but it was a good feeling.  The sky was black and the smell of rain was on the wind.  Lightining was breaking in the distance and my ever faithful Jez was running by my side, before rolling in the dirt. 

I'm reading Cormack McCarthy yet again, this time with 'All the Pretty Horses'.  I've also joined a book club so I'll be reading Game of Thrones in a month!  :)

My soul friend continues to be the best thing I've had in my life other than my family..  I adore him and I don't know how I got this far in life without him!  It's amazing.

Still going to seek therapy in the fall.

Applying for another job, because having one is just not good for my mental state and for my pocket.  I really got used to not worrying about money.

Going to be 30 in nine days.  I've decided that it's going to be an awesome year and I'm going to be happy and this world shall not drag me down.

Warrior on.

My only wish now is that I meet someone who will accept me as you do.  Will be my best friend as you are.  Will know my deepest secrets and still say that I'm awesome, like you do.  The only thing I'd change is that he'd love me like I do you.  They told me to love and lose is worse than not loving at all, but to be honest I didn't know what I was missing out on so it was better. I hate how stupid I feel for having feelings.  But that's a product of my upbringing I suppose.  I have feelings.  I don't care anymore.  Hopefully they'll be returned one day, probably not from you cause I'm not waiting.  Thank you though for changing my life.

Confessions

  When I was four or five I spent the night with my aunt who took me to a friends house.  I stayed over at the friends house.  The friend had a daughter that was a couple years older than me.  I stayed in her bed.  I remember the dark.  I remember she asked if I wanted to play 'mommy and daddy'.  I said ok.  She said 'I'm the girl' and she climbed on top of me.  I don't exactly know what happened after that.  I don't know how far it went, I don't think it was far.  I remember crying afterwards and begging my aunt to take me home...which she didn't.  I ate breakfast with the girl the next day.  I never told anyone about this.  I then remember the babysitters son a couple years later.  He was younger than I was.  I remember that he asked me if I wanted to 'play mom and dad'.  We got under the covers with our pants down.  His father walked in on us and asked what we were doing.  I had no answer. I still wonder to this day who initiated that.  Did I? Am I the sick fuck now?  I never touched another person in anyway other than the normal until I was 18.  When I was 18 I had a friend that showed me affection and loved me despite my obvious flaws.  I thought it was love.  I thought.  So when he got a girlfriend my fantasies were shattered and I ran away to Michigan, to a guy I met online.  I told myself and my family and anyone that listened that I had a boyfriend and I was super happy.  I hated every minute of that month.  I lost my virginity to a stranger.  I have always been able to lie to myself.  I can convince myself of almost anything.  I said I wanted to do it.  That's no lie.  Deep down I was cringing.  But something in me wanted to loved.  So I did it.  I was then stuck in this weird other universe for a month, pretending to be something I wasn't, acting like everything was fine. Lie after Lie after Lie.  When I came home and 'broke' up with this guy (he was 26 when I went down there) I told a friend.  I told her what happened.  She said that I had been robbed.  Men know when you don't want to.  She threw the Rape word in.  And even though I wasn't.  I went along with everything he said.  I didn't fight.  I clung to that word.  I feel guilty even saying that.  I know it's a lie, I can't fix my past by not owning up to my mistakes.  I was not raped.  Sure it felt like it.  But I willingly did what he told me to do.  I haven't touched another person since then.  I'm 30 now.  Almost.  I have fears like no body would understand.  Why don't I want kids you ask?  Well, obviously I'm fucked in the head and who's to say I couldn't molest my children?  I've been suicidal for about 12 years now.  But I love Jesus.  Or at least I think I do.  Not really knowing what love is.  I don't want to spend eternity in hell, which is surely where a person like me would go.  But I deserve what I get.  Who knows what I've blocked out.  Who knows what I've done.  Just today I asked someone why I was so unlovable and didn't receive a response.  Writing has always been my escape, my soul seems to bleed best with words.  Writing this has showed me why.  I don't deserve it.  I apologize sincerely to all those I have wronged.

what the hell?!

Wow.  I'm writing this is a semi state of shock and awe and quickly because I don't want to forget anything.  Later I'll go back and write with pen and see what else I get.  Tonight was my friend Jeff's birthday party.  We were all outside sitting around a fire (cause that's what we do) drinking beer and laughing.  No big deal.  A lady sits next to me and it's not a thing cause it's Jeff's wife's family and no big deal.  We get to talking about tattoos and she has one and she's not satisfied and what no and it's of the angles.  Michael and the other four?  I'm not catholic I don't know much about them besides what small bits I've read and what I've seen on supernatural and paranormal state.  Anyhow I've had a couple of drinks so I pipe and say how I've always wanted a crucifix on a pendant to keep the demons at bay.  She kinda gives me a wierd look, look's at Jeff's wife and looks back at me.  "why would you say that?"  I tell her that I've had some issues with demons in the past and I heard that the actual Jesus on the cross is what's best for that.  Well she says that's exactly why she got this particular tattoo, because she can see things.  I don't find this odd in any way because this world is crazy and there is all kinds of shit out there.  So she snickers a little and says 'I thought maybe she had told you about me and that wouldn't have been okay'.  She being Jeff's wife.  Nope I respond I just am talkative.  She then says 'well you have a great uncle here.'  you should know that I don't know any males in my family.  no father, no grandfather.  The only uncle I know are my mom's sisters husbands and they're all kinda shit that I haven't talked to or thought about since my Grandma died.  So whomever Great Uncle is he's super fucking chatty cause this woman goes off.  I get a reading at a campfire, at my friends birthday party, purely by fucking accident.  I am just going to list stuff she said without putting " " .  just for time purposes and to get it out.  Some stuff was on the head and some stuff I think is a load of crap that I could have pulled out of my ass.  If you have read any of my last posts you know what is sorta going on in my life and that right now I'm depressed as fuck and mildly suicidal.  So with that being said away we go.
I've been betrayed by a man.  he cheated on me (never had a date so load of shit).  I don't pray enough or go to church and then she stops and has an ah ha moment.  you've lost your faith.  I tell her no I love Jesus.  She shakes her head and says that believing and having faith are two different things and guess what she's right.  I just said this to someone earlier today.  I have a lot of emotional pain in my past that is keeping me blocked off.  I don't believe I'm worthy of love and I wont let people near me. I have to stop hating myself and change my life cause I will have a heart attack if I don't change.  literally she said heart attack.  I hurt myself, not in the typical way of cutting but there is a lot of shit that I do to myself.  I have to let it go. I have to let it go.  She keeps going back to the male thing and I'm like seriously I've never had any males so I don't think that is for me.  And my family has some Aztec decent according to her and we do have a curse placed on us.  It was done by a witch a long time ago.  She said I blocked stuff out, there is something with a man in there.  she said I also toyed with the idea of going the other way (which is true I've often wondered if I'm gay) but the reason's she gave were way wrong since i don't trust girls any more than I trust guys.  I apparently don't like the games men play ( how the fuck would I know)  She says I need to meditate and find that peace inside otherwise nothing will change.  She stressed that losing love is better than not loving at all which is what I avoid.  I avoid getting close to anyone.  That's all I can remember at the moment but she was a trip.  She kept looking over my shoulder and leaning her head to the side as if she was listening.  I definitly think that people have this gift.   Do I think that she did and someone is watching me at current?  maybe.  But then again a depressed fat girl isn't that hard to figure out.  The heart attack thing kinda scared me cause I don't want to die like that! I mean that just is no fun!  so I'll be working hard.  Like change my life hard cause I don't want to go that way.  Anyway.  If I remember more I'll let you know.  Night all.
Warrior on.

Old haunts are starting to pop up.  Things that I thought I had buried and forgotten are coming to light in all sorts of nasty ways.  Someone told me to be vulnerable.  Fuck that shit.  Never.  Especially face to face.  I am seeking out therapy soon.  So I guess never isn't really never.  It's funny how someone can show you things that you want but never wanted to admit.  What an ass hat.  So yes I'm struggling right now.  Yes it's some battles I thought I had won but really just ran from.  Yes I'm hurting.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I've started having the thoughts while driving again.  I've started saying goodbye again.  I wonder if this is something I'll always struggle with?  Probably yes, because the other side of that would be no...but probably not in a way that is good....

In other news tomorrow is Powwow.  Seven Arrows at Boise State University.  I wasn't going to go because let's be honest I haven't helped out at all but what the hell, I need some drum.  

My body hurts.  Bed I go.

Warrior on.

Ah the things we do to others so that we feel valid.  I know there is a lot of debate (at least in the religious community) about per-destination and I am beginning to think more of it.  I only say this because I can't understand how people who are clearly so amazing can't see it themselves.  I am also a pot calling the kettle black here as I don't see anything that people say about me, unless of course it's negative.

I want you to know some things.  You are so amazing.  The life that you led has been hard and full of obstacles and guess what, triumphs.  Every time you thought you weren't going to make it through that next hill, that next terrible thing, that next heartbreak, you did.  You did it.  You made it over and through and picked up the pieces.  Your story is so rich.  It's so bright and full of wonder and I look at you and I'm just amazed at what you are.  Amazed.  To call you friend is one of the greatest joys that I don't believe I deserve.  I know you're still struggling, I am too, I get it, guess what?  I'll be here for you.  I know you've heard that.  I know you doubt.  I am telling you.  I'm telling you again.  I'm here for you.  I'll be here for you.  I'll protect you against all that I can, even yourself.  I'll fight when you can't.  I'll guide when you get lost.  I'm here for you.

Those that have the easy road are never very interesting.  Trivial.  Listening to them talk is just humerous to me.  I think to myself 'ha, if only my problems were so small' and try and give the best advice I can.  I know that for them it's a big deal, and I have to respect that as much as I can.  I try.

You and I are different though.  We're cut from the same clothe.  It's a beautiful clothe, just uneven and sewn together with patches and rough stitching.  It's beautiful.  

You are my beautiful fuck up.  

I'm am so exstatic to have had the pleasure to be in your life.

You changed mine.

I am a beautiful fuck up.

Together it's a swirling mess of pain, laughter, shame and love.  

If ever there was something real, this is it.

Again I say.  You are so amazing.  You inspire me.  You changed me.  You needed to know.

To all my beautiful fuck ups.

Warrior on.

Ah shucks

Someone just told me that I should have come with a warning 'Highly Addictive'.  

That is so great! 

Dear Self

Dear Self,
     I know, I know.  You have feelings.  You've done nothing but mope around about them for the last month.  I understand that you are emotionally challenged and crave love and acceptance, I get it, I lived it too.  At some point in your life (hello you're almost 30 you should have already crossed this bridge) you're going to have to spank the inner moppet and move on.  How can you expect someone to see you (who the hell are you?  I'm not even sure) if you're always crying about how hard your life was and how you just aren't understood.  Everyone has had a hard life in one way or another, everyone.  So here is a new and somewhat similar life track that we're going to go on.

1.) We are NOT going to form an attachment and then call it the "L" word with your best friend.  You've done this once before remember?  You've had this happen once and you ran away from home and did disgusting and disturbing things with a guy you met online.  We aren't doing that again.  Just shut up and except that you have someone in your life (again) that sees you better than you do, that will be around for an undetermined amount of days, and that you can laugh with.  That has to be enough for you.  Also stop dwelling on the day that he'll move on.  It's a human thing, people move on.  He's here while you need him and you'll return the favor.

2.)  You will focus on yourself.  This being stop wasting money on fast food and pick up that set of weights that you purchased.  You're not meant to be in this body and we both know it.  Two sizes down already and you know you feel it everywhere.  You're body doesn't hurt as much and yes you have a mild strut so how about we help the process along and get serious.  Stay focused.

3.)  You're probably going to have to quit that job you hate.  I mean come on you've been there long enough and you aren't going to get any higher up that ladder.  So start looking.  I mean it.

4.)  Be honest.  You tell lies all the time.  Big ones, small ones.  Lies to others, lies to yourself.  It's just getting to be a giant cluster fuck.  So you want to fall in love.  You do.  You still don't want children.  I know.  You aren't a bad ass, you're a nerd cupcake, to the core. 

5.)  Live fearlessly.  You have to do this to truly be free.  And Freedom is our ultimate goal.  Fearlessly.  FEARLESSLY.  Yes it will cause you to mess up and feel embarrassed from time to time but good things will come out of this as well, trust me.

     With all that being said.  You don't know how many days you have left.  You don't know when you'll lose someone again and they'll take a part of you with them.  It will never be okay to not say yes to that memory.  Stay out later if you'll get it.  Take a picture.  Hug with your heart.  Be kind.  You get through it, you have before and you will again.  So just stop and enjoy something.  It's okay to be happy. 

                                              Sincerely,
                                                         You, just the smarter side.

I'm so fucking broken right now.  Waited forever, it seems, for someone to get me.  I think we crave understanding.  I got it.  I wanted it all the time.  I fucked it up.  It's over.  I'm a fucking mess.  How do you put yourself back together?  Can't get those walls back up.  I'm fucking lost.  I don't even know this person.  I stand by what I've all along.  I don't ever want to feel.  I let it happen once.  That's it for me.  I'm done...

My eyelids are dropping ever so slowly until they are just closed. Sometimes I write more freely when I can't see the words with my actual eye.  I see it in my mind!  Which sounds cheesy and silly but it's true.  My house is thrashed as well so if my eyes are shut I can't focus on the mess.  Seriously I should be shot...good lord.  Anyway.  I wonder about the state of the world when people that try to keep the laws are the ones being penalized.  When the people that have had the hardest of lives are the ones that continuously get knocked down.  I guess I'm not too surprised.  The meek will inherit the earth and all that jazz.  It takes more fight in a person to stay alive in hard times I guess. 

I'm drinking a pixie stick.

Yesterday on my lunch I colored to cheer myself up.

I have story ideas.

My back is pain free.

I want to run away.

I still don't want to care for anyone.

I've stopped looking down the road to my grandma's house.

I pierced my ear again.

Warrior On.

This is brand fucking new

Soooo...as a person that has had a pretty rough go at life I've sworn off any emotional connections with anyone.  I'm amazing at keeping people at bay and only allowing them to see what I want them to.  Until.  One scrawny white boy full of problems came and filled every thing that I didn't even know I needed filled.  He stole my heart in about four hours and filled me with confusion and happiness.  I have no idea what is going on, I have no idea where this is going but I do know that I'll have a lifelong friend in this guy that I didn't even know was possible.  Although we're both getting warned in the same exact words to "guard ourselves" I feel the desire to just plunge in (also so not me) and screw the consequences.  I do believe the Creator puts people in peoples lives for a reason.  I'm noticing little things.  Before I met him I had so much stress in my back that it hurt all the time and would sometimes have spasms that would wake me in the middle of the night.  When I'm around him, my back suddenly stops hurting.  I'm happier.  He gets me and I get him and that is probably the best feeling in the world.  I don't know how many times I just wished for someone to get me.  Prayed for it even.  And finally I just gave up on it.  I figured some people are supposed to go at this world alone, they're the ones that have to make the tough choices, the ones that don't think they have anything left inside of them.  I think something amazing just happened.  Two of those people may have been brought together.  We just might make a whole someday.

That is your cheese for the day.  

Warrior on.

Dark Place

You wrapped me in an embrace so strong.
No space between us, no secrets to hide.
I didn't know it was possible to feel so safe inside, 
Without the ever present need to lie.

You made me hope for a future of my own.
One where I wasn't always alone.
Hopes that were always buried down deep, 
Secrets that I assumed I'd always keep.

Letting go for a second, a second to breath.
The air was fresh and bittersweet.
The moment passed.
A tear down the cheek.

How easily the  walls crumbled down, 
Silently, completely, without a sound...
It was a lightness, a freedom.
Now an ache.

I let go, I didn't know what else to do.
The walls reconstructed with new levels of pain.
A hurt all over, built of sorrow and shame.
Deep in the darkness, doomed to remain.