My only wish now is that I meet someone who will accept me as you do.  Will be my best friend as you are.  Will know my deepest secrets and still say that I'm awesome, like you do.  The only thing I'd change is that he'd love me like I do you.  They told me to love and lose is worse than not loving at all, but to be honest I didn't know what I was missing out on so it was better. I hate how stupid I feel for having feelings.  But that's a product of my upbringing I suppose.  I have feelings.  I don't care anymore.  Hopefully they'll be returned one day, probably not from you cause I'm not waiting.  Thank you though for changing my life.

Confessions

  When I was four or five I spent the night with my aunt who took me to a friends house.  I stayed over at the friends house.  The friend had a daughter that was a couple years older than me.  I stayed in her bed.  I remember the dark.  I remember she asked if I wanted to play 'mommy and daddy'.  I said ok.  She said 'I'm the girl' and she climbed on top of me.  I don't exactly know what happened after that.  I don't know how far it went, I don't think it was far.  I remember crying afterwards and begging my aunt to take me home...which she didn't.  I ate breakfast with the girl the next day.  I never told anyone about this.  I then remember the babysitters son a couple years later.  He was younger than I was.  I remember that he asked me if I wanted to 'play mom and dad'.  We got under the covers with our pants down.  His father walked in on us and asked what we were doing.  I had no answer. I still wonder to this day who initiated that.  Did I? Am I the sick fuck now?  I never touched another person in anyway other than the normal until I was 18.  When I was 18 I had a friend that showed me affection and loved me despite my obvious flaws.  I thought it was love.  I thought.  So when he got a girlfriend my fantasies were shattered and I ran away to Michigan, to a guy I met online.  I told myself and my family and anyone that listened that I had a boyfriend and I was super happy.  I hated every minute of that month.  I lost my virginity to a stranger.  I have always been able to lie to myself.  I can convince myself of almost anything.  I said I wanted to do it.  That's no lie.  Deep down I was cringing.  But something in me wanted to loved.  So I did it.  I was then stuck in this weird other universe for a month, pretending to be something I wasn't, acting like everything was fine. Lie after Lie after Lie.  When I came home and 'broke' up with this guy (he was 26 when I went down there) I told a friend.  I told her what happened.  She said that I had been robbed.  Men know when you don't want to.  She threw the Rape word in.  And even though I wasn't.  I went along with everything he said.  I didn't fight.  I clung to that word.  I feel guilty even saying that.  I know it's a lie, I can't fix my past by not owning up to my mistakes.  I was not raped.  Sure it felt like it.  But I willingly did what he told me to do.  I haven't touched another person since then.  I'm 30 now.  Almost.  I have fears like no body would understand.  Why don't I want kids you ask?  Well, obviously I'm fucked in the head and who's to say I couldn't molest my children?  I've been suicidal for about 12 years now.  But I love Jesus.  Or at least I think I do.  Not really knowing what love is.  I don't want to spend eternity in hell, which is surely where a person like me would go.  But I deserve what I get.  Who knows what I've blocked out.  Who knows what I've done.  Just today I asked someone why I was so unlovable and didn't receive a response.  Writing has always been my escape, my soul seems to bleed best with words.  Writing this has showed me why.  I don't deserve it.  I apologize sincerely to all those I have wronged.

what the hell?!

Wow.  I'm writing this is a semi state of shock and awe and quickly because I don't want to forget anything.  Later I'll go back and write with pen and see what else I get.  Tonight was my friend Jeff's birthday party.  We were all outside sitting around a fire (cause that's what we do) drinking beer and laughing.  No big deal.  A lady sits next to me and it's not a thing cause it's Jeff's wife's family and no big deal.  We get to talking about tattoos and she has one and she's not satisfied and what no and it's of the angles.  Michael and the other four?  I'm not catholic I don't know much about them besides what small bits I've read and what I've seen on supernatural and paranormal state.  Anyhow I've had a couple of drinks so I pipe and say how I've always wanted a crucifix on a pendant to keep the demons at bay.  She kinda gives me a wierd look, look's at Jeff's wife and looks back at me.  "why would you say that?"  I tell her that I've had some issues with demons in the past and I heard that the actual Jesus on the cross is what's best for that.  Well she says that's exactly why she got this particular tattoo, because she can see things.  I don't find this odd in any way because this world is crazy and there is all kinds of shit out there.  So she snickers a little and says 'I thought maybe she had told you about me and that wouldn't have been okay'.  She being Jeff's wife.  Nope I respond I just am talkative.  She then says 'well you have a great uncle here.'  you should know that I don't know any males in my family.  no father, no grandfather.  The only uncle I know are my mom's sisters husbands and they're all kinda shit that I haven't talked to or thought about since my Grandma died.  So whomever Great Uncle is he's super fucking chatty cause this woman goes off.  I get a reading at a campfire, at my friends birthday party, purely by fucking accident.  I am just going to list stuff she said without putting " " .  just for time purposes and to get it out.  Some stuff was on the head and some stuff I think is a load of crap that I could have pulled out of my ass.  If you have read any of my last posts you know what is sorta going on in my life and that right now I'm depressed as fuck and mildly suicidal.  So with that being said away we go.
I've been betrayed by a man.  he cheated on me (never had a date so load of shit).  I don't pray enough or go to church and then she stops and has an ah ha moment.  you've lost your faith.  I tell her no I love Jesus.  She shakes her head and says that believing and having faith are two different things and guess what she's right.  I just said this to someone earlier today.  I have a lot of emotional pain in my past that is keeping me blocked off.  I don't believe I'm worthy of love and I wont let people near me. I have to stop hating myself and change my life cause I will have a heart attack if I don't change.  literally she said heart attack.  I hurt myself, not in the typical way of cutting but there is a lot of shit that I do to myself.  I have to let it go. I have to let it go.  She keeps going back to the male thing and I'm like seriously I've never had any males so I don't think that is for me.  And my family has some Aztec decent according to her and we do have a curse placed on us.  It was done by a witch a long time ago.  She said I blocked stuff out, there is something with a man in there.  she said I also toyed with the idea of going the other way (which is true I've often wondered if I'm gay) but the reason's she gave were way wrong since i don't trust girls any more than I trust guys.  I apparently don't like the games men play ( how the fuck would I know)  She says I need to meditate and find that peace inside otherwise nothing will change.  She stressed that losing love is better than not loving at all which is what I avoid.  I avoid getting close to anyone.  That's all I can remember at the moment but she was a trip.  She kept looking over my shoulder and leaning her head to the side as if she was listening.  I definitly think that people have this gift.   Do I think that she did and someone is watching me at current?  maybe.  But then again a depressed fat girl isn't that hard to figure out.  The heart attack thing kinda scared me cause I don't want to die like that! I mean that just is no fun!  so I'll be working hard.  Like change my life hard cause I don't want to go that way.  Anyway.  If I remember more I'll let you know.  Night all.
Warrior on.

Old haunts are starting to pop up.  Things that I thought I had buried and forgotten are coming to light in all sorts of nasty ways.  Someone told me to be vulnerable.  Fuck that shit.  Never.  Especially face to face.  I am seeking out therapy soon.  So I guess never isn't really never.  It's funny how someone can show you things that you want but never wanted to admit.  What an ass hat.  So yes I'm struggling right now.  Yes it's some battles I thought I had won but really just ran from.  Yes I'm hurting.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I've started having the thoughts while driving again.  I've started saying goodbye again.  I wonder if this is something I'll always struggle with?  Probably yes, because the other side of that would be no...but probably not in a way that is good....

In other news tomorrow is Powwow.  Seven Arrows at Boise State University.  I wasn't going to go because let's be honest I haven't helped out at all but what the hell, I need some drum.  

My body hurts.  Bed I go.

Warrior on.