So I'm losing weight. I need to, I'm huge. But the shitty thing is, even after I lose this weight all just have excess skin and no boobs so I'll still be unattractive to humanity. So I'll become healthy to have a better life, so I can live longer....alone? Kinda Fucked up.
Skin removal average 3 to 10 grand. Awesome.
Breast Implants up to 5 grand.
Should I start taking donations now?
Monday, July 20, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
A legit prayer.
I'm taking a prayer challenge. I'm sure you've heard me talk about going to college for youth ministry so this shouldn't be a big surprise for anyone. This is the challenge.
For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen
I don't know the love of God. I don't have the slightest idea. I don't know love at all to be honest. So my prayer starts there.
Awesome God,
You know I have a hard time saying how I feel, or asking for help, or talking at all. I know that you're here and you haven't given up on me and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to try and get my life together. Then again I can't do it on my own so I'm sorry it's taken me so long to even attempt to ask for your help. I pray God that you would show me your love and help me to understand it. Let me see myself as you see me, just a little bit. I pray that you strengthen me in this one area so that it can manifest and show up in all the areas of my life. I don't want to take anything from this world when I leave, but I do want to leave plenty behind. In the way that I was able to be Christ to anyone who needed it, and I think we all need it. Show me your love God, fill me with your power.
God I pray for the same thing for my loved ones. The ones lost in depression and filled with hopelessness. The one's that are a slave to their sin filled addictions. I pray for the ones that don't know you at all. I pray that you bask them in your strength, that you move in their souls. God if you showed them how I see them as strong, beautiful, intelligent and interesting people that I love so much, maybe they would begin to see themselves in a different way. I pray that you break the holds that this world has on them, as you've promised, and open their eyes to the way it is. God you are their conqueror and nothing is impossible once they realize this.
God my life is changing. I was told to pray big specific prayers. The main one is to be overwhelmed with some knowledge of your supernatural love, to feel some love. God I need to change in almost every way. I need my heart to change. I need my way of seeing myself to change. I need you. I need you to tear down the walls I've built and use me to your glory. I need to know my purpose in this world. The depression has to go away. I can't think of myself as unlovable anymore. I can't walk this world hoping that today is my last. I need to walk this world as a living billboard for your amazing love. I need to be a warrior for you. I don't know if this is really what I need but I think it is. Since I'm without any direction in my life it should be easy for you to point me in the right one. I ask that I excel in my current job, that I do you as well as the people around me proud. I pray that you open my heart Lord. Heal my sore body. The weight of the world is resting on my shoulders at times and I'm done doing this world on my own. I am not strong enough to take care of it all by myself. Even though for years I've thought I could. I know it's not your problem, and I got myself into all this mess but please God, help me. Give me some of your power. Show me your supernatural Love.
Amen
For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen
I don't know the love of God. I don't have the slightest idea. I don't know love at all to be honest. So my prayer starts there.
Awesome God,
You know I have a hard time saying how I feel, or asking for help, or talking at all. I know that you're here and you haven't given up on me and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to try and get my life together. Then again I can't do it on my own so I'm sorry it's taken me so long to even attempt to ask for your help. I pray God that you would show me your love and help me to understand it. Let me see myself as you see me, just a little bit. I pray that you strengthen me in this one area so that it can manifest and show up in all the areas of my life. I don't want to take anything from this world when I leave, but I do want to leave plenty behind. In the way that I was able to be Christ to anyone who needed it, and I think we all need it. Show me your love God, fill me with your power.
God I pray for the same thing for my loved ones. The ones lost in depression and filled with hopelessness. The one's that are a slave to their sin filled addictions. I pray for the ones that don't know you at all. I pray that you bask them in your strength, that you move in their souls. God if you showed them how I see them as strong, beautiful, intelligent and interesting people that I love so much, maybe they would begin to see themselves in a different way. I pray that you break the holds that this world has on them, as you've promised, and open their eyes to the way it is. God you are their conqueror and nothing is impossible once they realize this.
God my life is changing. I was told to pray big specific prayers. The main one is to be overwhelmed with some knowledge of your supernatural love, to feel some love. God I need to change in almost every way. I need my heart to change. I need my way of seeing myself to change. I need you. I need you to tear down the walls I've built and use me to your glory. I need to know my purpose in this world. The depression has to go away. I can't think of myself as unlovable anymore. I can't walk this world hoping that today is my last. I need to walk this world as a living billboard for your amazing love. I need to be a warrior for you. I don't know if this is really what I need but I think it is. Since I'm without any direction in my life it should be easy for you to point me in the right one. I ask that I excel in my current job, that I do you as well as the people around me proud. I pray that you open my heart Lord. Heal my sore body. The weight of the world is resting on my shoulders at times and I'm done doing this world on my own. I am not strong enough to take care of it all by myself. Even though for years I've thought I could. I know it's not your problem, and I got myself into all this mess but please God, help me. Give me some of your power. Show me your supernatural Love.
Amen
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Flight of fancy
A lot of things are changing. A part of me craves it! I welcome the change. Right now I'm sitting fully dressed with my books packed and the strongest desire has come over me to run. Just fucking run away. I have like a hundred dollars to my name, two cats to take care of and a sister and mother who would be lost if I left and I don't care. I don't care. I don't think it's solely because I'm sad, I'm not stupid i know if I'm sad here I'll be sad somewhere else. But that ever present feeling of being trapped is here. I can't shake it. I know I'm blessed. God loves me something fierce or I would have been done awhile ago. I know I have a good life. I just can't seem to make my heart feel the same as my mind is telling me. Or is it the other way around. Heart knows what's best and my mind is making up some troubles for me. I write the beginning of this story so many times. Where I pack up in the middle of the night, fill my gas tank, write some letters and disappear. Now I've actually got the opening scene to my own private story sitting in my living room and I can taste it. I can feel the need clawing at me. It's this deep ache for something more. In terms of responsibility I am blessed with fewer than most. I don't have kids. I have bills and a job and two cats whom I love, but who I could leave. That kills me to say but it's true. I could leave them. I have a boy I'll never be good enough for and who will never look at me that way. I have my sister. My other half, the only one I think is close enough to getting me, but she has someone to hold her together now. It's not just the two of us. And my mom, who would hurt the most. But at the same time I think she'd get it. Common sense tells me to sit here and not throw away a good job and a family and a life to ease the need. It'll pass, you'll be fine, you always are.. Common sense is a bitch sometimes. I want to go. I need to.
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