It's Christmas day.  I'm the girl that has a chain made from the red and green construction paper in August.  I'm the girl who loves to get everyone of my farmers a gift, homemade card, and food.  I honestly enjoy giving more than I do receiving.  I love the lights, and the sounds and the smells.  I love Christmas. 

Not this year.  I struggled through the mandatory cards.  I haven't put up a tree in two years.  I don't have a single urge to see anyone today but my four footed felines.  I don't love Christmas. 

I sit here and think of Grandma and George and can't even find tears.

It's a weird feeling.  Like looking at yourself through a really small opening.  You have to close one eye and squint and move around to see anything and even then you don't get the whole picture. Pinpricks. 

I'm finding I'm becoming a tad less....unhappy? 

I'm still bitter.

I'm still jaded.

I still want things that I know I'll never have.

And I hate myself for wanting.

Sooner or later you'll come face to face with whatever demon (or demons) that haunt you.  I wonder if I'm up for this fight? 

I'm tired of fighting.  It would be so easy to fall.

32 ounces of coffee at midnight...

Is probably the worst idea I have ever had.  Especially when I have to get up in a few hours and work all day, but it was free and I was hoping to see a boy, a pretty boy.  I didn't.  So now I'm drinking coffee, reflecting on the day/year/life and missing grandma something awful.  
I have the reaccuring dream quiet a bit now a days.  I'm on a bike that is a bit funny shaped (I pretty much stand up and have arm rests...it's strange) and I have to go to the next town on this bike and it's sometimes an upwards journey and rather long.  At the next town I always have to stop and fill up my (pedal) bike and the struggle to find money is always there.  The gas station is at the end of this long, steep winding road...  After paying for my gas I always have to enter the town by going into this hill and every time I go there it's a feeling of entering hell.  The literal Hell not the fake ones we make up in our day to day life.  I never remember what is going on in that hill but then I leave and have to start my return journey on my oddly shaped bike up the steep hill past the gas station and over the miles of terrain that I never see.  Who wants to decipher that one?!  Work is good and shit at the same time.  meaning one job has slowed to a measly 20 hours a week while the other is banging out 40 hours a week with a big fat raise and status promotion.  So I guess I can't complain too much.  I think that's all I got in me tonight, perhaps I'll actually sit and down and tell you a story soon.  I miss that.

Much love and Warrior On.

Ah a relaxing night at a friends.  I just want to tell you all how far I've come from the insecure mess of a girl I used to be.  While having a great grand time playing X-Box and watching scary movies (not that scary) a friend texted my friend and began the whole 'what are you doing' crap.  When my name came up her friend immediately  asked if I was cute and single and asked for my name to look me up on facebook.  The only comment he said was 'is she in her 30's?' I laughed and said ' NOT YET!" but I know damn well that a couple years ago that would have ruined my night and put me in a dark depression.  Rejected on sight from facebook pictures!  The goofy bits of my life that I decided to share with the world.  The current being a giant Halloween foam wig resting on my head.  It's hilarious.  I always thought if I could lose this weight I would be unstoppable.  I could literally take on the world and it would fall at my feet because that is the only thing holding me back..  I'm wrong.  Once I lose the weight, and I will, I'll just find a new and more interesting flaw that is holding me back.  So fuck that shit.  I gave away half of my life, willingly to depression and a sense of defeat, I'm not going into the last half of this life that way!  If I've learned anything so far is that I'm a fucking strong warrior.  I work three jobs!  I'm resourceful, smart and love to learn things and yes, yes I'm beautiful and luckily for me I'm only going to give this heart away once and he'll be worth the pain that will come with unlocking and unfreezing the pieces.  I already feel lighter.  
 

It's Wednesday, September 3 2014.  It's the third day of the Lean Challenge I'm doing with a friend from OK.  I'm doing fine (not great unless you do count Cliff bars as an entire meal...for multiple meals) which I don't so I already know.  I bought a soft measuring tape and then lost it, but I'm sure it'll show up sooner or later.  I haven't worked out yet cause I'm having a hard time finding time (right now you say? Well I couldn't possibly now I'm telling you how busy I am!) Mostly I just wanted to say that today I was compared to a monster because of how big I am.  By someone I've known for years.  By a friend.  So if that's what he sees after knowing me for years what hope is there for me?

So recap for day three.  It's 8 am and I feel defeated already. 

I very much question everything of this world.  What is the purpose of this life being the most prominate ponder.  If i have to think very, very hard to find the brief and rare moments of happiness does it make living worth while?  I'm not slitting my wrists as you read this, don't worry. But seriously?  Are those 12 minutes of pure, unworried, unabashed bliss worth the 30 years of struggle, pain, and utter hopelessness that make up the rest of the time?  Doesn't seem like it to me.  
I think about all that while sitting in the empty bleachers of my high school.  Staring at an empty field and sky full of grey clouds that promise rain, if only a taste.  The wind has kicked up a little and I'm letting this small relief of cool air calm the burning in my chest.  A suffocating burning that had worked its way into my entire torso.  My heart was beating one word; Trapped.  Trapped.  Trapped.  Trapped in this world that is doing it's best to eat me alive.  Trapped in the situations that are carving my heart from it's chest.  Trapped in myself.  Not knowing who I am.  I can't tell you a single thing about the inside of my heart.  I have a sneaking and paralyzing feeling that there isn't anything inside of me.  It's no lie that I've never been in love and question it's existence loudly and often.  The thoughts that I have are often influenced my books and songs and movies so that is basically a storage unit.  I have nothing in there worth sharing.  So why am I so tormented?  I have a favorite color (green) and a favorite book (The Outsiders) but I can't tell you what I think about....anything.  I can't tell you what my passion is, or what I want to do with life, or what my opinion of anything is...I'm empty.  I'm an empty wire that sparks and flops around when agitated but otherwise lies dormant.  Lies Dormant.  That is terrifying.  I am neither smart, nor dumb.  I'm not ugly or pretty. I'm an empty average vessel that apparently is only capable of melodramatic sorrow.  Woe is me.  How pitiful is that?  Trapped.  Trapped.  Trapped.  Trapped in a heart that has long ago been iced over, inside a body that isn't mine, in a house that is broken, in a life that is forced in this world that is unyielding.  
The small voice of reason (I'm hoping that it is God) says that it can't all be for nothing.  Your struggles have to have a purpose!  You aren't empty!  How could you breath in the storm if you weren't full of something special hidden away.  It's not for nothing.  It's not for nothing.  You won't come out unscathed but this is the part of your life where you have to be the warrior.  You have to brave the battles and weather the storm.  You will be beat and broken and stomped half to death, maybe a couple times but you will rise again.  Scarred and stronger and more full than before and you will be something.  Someday you'll be able to put down the sword and take off the armor and you'll then be able to see what it was all about.  But for now it's going to be a rough hard road and you've a long way to go before it's all over.

Unfortunatley that task seems so heavy. 

And yet again I know I'll bear it, even though my body aches and my soul cries out.

Until then.

Warrior on. 

As most of you know by now, I'm a ranter.  I get stuck on something for about a day and just can't seem to get off of it.  Last night I had an epiphany. I choose.  I choose what you see of me, I choose what you know of me, and I damn well choose how I live my life.  

We all have trauma from our past (ALL) it just takes different forms.  Yes I have a prejudice against privileged spoiled rotten teenagers driving around in their 40k cars not having to worry about a thing, but I'm working on it, and I only see what they want me to see.  I don't have the advantage of seeing behind the curtain...

I'm sick of hearing phrases like 'she's this way because of this..."  Maybe the simpler solution is to not give a fuck about the because and just appreciate the difference.  It took me a long time to realize that I'm such a better person for growing up without than I would have growing up with.  This statement could be the exact opposite for a different person.  

For a long time I tried and succeeded for the most part in keeping my self safe and secure and locked down from everyone.  In doing so I had to sabotage myself, and now it's just out of control.  Guess what though, I'm in control!  Of myself and nothing else.  So the sabotage will end with a struggle to regain what is mine and I never want to hear 'she's this way because of this...' again.  The Creator gave us this heart and the core remains strong even if it gets chipped and dented along the way.

So fuck you evil world for trying to take me down.  Fuck you ignorant people putting me in your Freudian classifications, I'm tired of trying to live up to your standards and conform to your ideas of normality.  I see in rainbows. 

It's 10 pm on a Friday night.  I have to be up in six hours for a crazy long day.  For some unknown reason (okay I know why) I have decided to do a "Yes month".  For those of you that are familiar with the movie "Yes Man" you will now be say 'ahhhh', for those of you that have yet to see it, let me elaborate.  Yes to everything that is ever asked of me.  My version does have some limitations as I will not be getting into strangers cars or giving old men blow jobs.  But other than that it's game on..  Pretty much I'm trying to see if I am to restricted, if I'm not living enough, if I spend too much time by myself and not enough time making those memories that really matter in the end.  

(My cat is yowling outside and it's distracting....is that a mating call or do i need to rescue him....I'm never sure)

Anyhow tomorrow I work, and the next morning I work at 5, but tomorrow after work I'm taking off for a powwow fivish hours away, estimated to return 2 hours before work the next day. Usually I would have said no to my friend and stayed home and been responsible but I said yes.  So I'm heading out tomorrow for a grand adventure.  I hope it's awesome otherwise I'll never do a yes month again and I'll just get really good at blowing people off...oh wait....

Here is the thing with growing up in poverty.  I feel bad spending any sort of money, I hate it when I'm not responsible, I will literally work myself stupid (to the point where i thought my food was singing a song to me).  It's like a sickness.  I still don't have money, don't get me wrong, I'm well in the below poverty mark on the tax bracket but I have food and a house and a job and a car and enough spare change to supply my Dutch Bros addition.  But how much stuff am i missing out on just to try to get ahead in life just to die and really I only give a flying fuck about money to pay the bills.  So again I say fuck it (I'm not spending a lot of money don't worry bills first!!) and horray for yes month..  Let's make it a good one!! oh also it's my birthday month so ask me to do something awesome.

I think I'm going to change my middle name.  it's lame.

Still reading Dracula, it's taking me awhile and I don't know why cause it's a good one.

Seen Divergent 6 times in theaters....oh gawd

Got some more sleeve done.  Down to one (if I'm as badass as I think I am, which I'm probably not) more five hour session!!

You rock my face off.

#arelame
 

I'm involved in a group.  It's a dandy little group of like minded peeps wishing to continue on sharing their heritage.  It's called Red River Powwow Association.  I'm the newly appointed Vice President even though I wasn't raised in my culture (yes it kills me inside) and mostly feel like a giant phoney.  I'm learning things slowly but there is always going to be a sense of separation.  It could be all in my head but I don't think all of it is...
Anyhow this association has been keeping me sane for awhile.  There are some good people out there that will have your back at a moments call.  I hope to be like that someday.  There is also that tinge of high school drama that is annoying as fuck and the same time it's amusing because if all I had to worry about in life was that dumb shit then life would be pretty damn easy!  Ha! So we have two powwows coming up along with a conference that could be promising.  At least I think it will open the pathways that need to be opened and set up the future with a good starting block and map.  Sometimes it's the little things that make the most impact and one life that is touched is better than none.  That old saying about being the world to one person is most certainly true and it should be what we strive for as human beings.
With that same thought in mind I want to bring up another discussion I had with my sisters.  People will come and go and that is the nature of the world.  Nothing stays gold forever and we have to learn or teach and let go.  That being said I can tell you that I have learned a lot from the people I have come across and the people that I've permanently cut out of my life.  If you eat a toxic plant you will become infected by the poison, ensuring your demise.  Suck the poison out and never touch that plant again!  On to more fun things.

Austenland the movie was awesome, that blonde girl (Sticklers mom) is friggin' hilarious in everything she does.

Steven King's Doctor Sleep wasn't as creepy as I hoped and reminded me a lot of Koontz, shall try his earlier works.

I'm wearing cat pajamas!

Insomnia is the mother of all beasts.  I am exhausted and my body is sore and still I sit at this computer typing away whatever random thought comes in my mind, with a smile I might add, because at least I'm typing! 

I have to be up in four hours so I'm going to try the bed thing again!  I will be with you guys shortly and will bring a little story to cheer you.  The giant story is still sleeping and doesn't wish to be disturbed.

Much Love...Warrior On.