"We're going to get through this" seems to be the chant of the month.  Even though I have no idea how.  I'm taking small comforts in thoughts such as 'we've been in trouble before', 'we always seem to get by', 'we'll be stronger people in the end'.  To be honest we have it good.  We're still mostly together, mostly healthy and haven't stopped to stare down at the watery abyss that looks so tempting while on bridges, so we're good.  But there are thoughts.  Dark thoughts that shouldn't be brought to the light of day.  Thoughts that would get one into even more trouble.
I don't want to be around anyone.
I haven't been able to write.
I want to sleep for a few days, but can't seem to sleep for more than a few hours.
I am more of an asshole than I've ever been. Pushing people away feels right.
I'm tired of all the uncertainty.  I want to know the outcome.  I want to know where we'll be.  The only thing that I'm taking comfort in, for some unknown reason, is that He has got me.  I usually am so uncertain about God, if I love Him, if He loves me, if it's all going to be enough.  But right now I'm certain.  He has me.  Whatever this brings I have to remember that.  So whatever comes is going to come and I can't stop it.  I don't control anything.  But I'm scared.  Really scared and so fucking tired.

Tear Lies.

It's a known fact that my temper is dangerously short.  It's also a fact that once my good judgment is lost it's lost forever.  I'm fiercely protective of what is mine, be it my Pokemon game or my family.  I don't give out anything it has to be earned but once it's there it's there for the long haul.  I would love to be one of those people that freely love whomever comes across their path (but who needs the herpies??) and who can easily forgive and forget, but I'm not.  Sure at times this makes me a stubborn bitch of a woman but at least I'm honest in whatever I do.

So that brings me to you.  How you sleep at night I'll never understand.  You openly, freely and without any qualm tell all that you don't love your mother.  You don't feel like she did anything for you.  Fine.  Okay.  It makes you a bitch, sure, but kuddos for being honest about your feelings.  We don't see you, we don't hear from you.  We keep it on the down low from the woman that birthed, fed, and raised you, with love and no forms of abuse, that you don't give a shit about her.  Knowing this would only hurt her and she's too precious to us to harm like that.  Years go by with maybe a card or a call on her birthday.  Good effort on your part to keep up the caring facade.  Life goes on with us as it always has.  We sacrafice a lot of things to keep her happy and safe.  You don't care what, I know, but I'm sure your children got to be children.  When you wanted to go out and do something as simple as see a movie, I'm sure you did.  You didn't have to be exposed to things like strokes, doctor appointments and in the end watching one of the only people you actually love gasp her last breath.  How about carry her body out of her bed and put it in a van with a man that had earlier killed himself to keep her company?  Nah you didn't get those pleasures.  The funny thing is, through all of the neglect that you put upon your mother, she still loved you.  Told us when your birthday was, recalled stories about your childhood, and wondered how you were.  Was she perfect?  No of course not.  The only perfect person in this whole mess of a world we crucified, so how could she be.  Truth all the same.  So now she has got a stamp with how many months she's got left in the world.  Suddenly you are all tears and sad facebook posts and telling the world to feel sorry for YOU because YOU will be missing out on the mother that YOU previously disowned.  It must be terrible for YOU to feel so lost.  So messed up to not know what YOU are going to do without her. Just thinking about it probably makes YOUR stomach cramp up and the breath leave YOUR lungs.  How are YOU going to get on with life without the anchor that held YOU steady??  Must be tough.   For us.  It's tough for us.  YOU don't know.

I hope some day my hatred for you dissolves into nothing.  I seriously hope it does.  If you are the reason I don't get to frolic with Jesus, I would be pissed.  You shouldn't get that kind of glory. If I'm going down (literally) then it better be to something like Satan himself, because that is a worthy opponent.  He at least stood for something and stuck by it. 

But for now I'm livid.  I'm burning with a rage I've never felt before.  How can you come in and take everything when for 20 plus years you've done nothing.  We would have been fair to you.  Trust me, my other half would have made me be fair to you. Even though you don't deserve it.  But you took everything with a false smile on your face and a lie of a tear in your eye. 

How do you sleep at night?

This is all for today..

Be a Warrior.

Well tragedy has struck my little family.  I have had two parents like most people.  One of them was my mother and one of them was my mom's mom.  My grandma.  It's not like my grandma is young in any way, and it's not like we didn't have warning, but my grandma is no more.  December 28th of last year grandma had a stroke and while in the hospital recovering from the stroke the doctors found cancer.  Very aggressive, terminal, mass amounts of cancer.  Cancer that was so big in her breasts that one of the doctors asked if she had implants.  She didn't of course.  Although if I make it to g-mas age, I'll get me some fake boobies.  So we were told that she had a couple of months to live and with any luck she would go before it got too painful to live.  It sorta went like that.  She made it seven months with mild pain until the last month or so.  A month of pain.  My mom, sister and I have lived with my grandma our entire lives.  Up until my sister moved in with her boyfriend and I got a trailer up the street.  Not many days have gone by where I haven't seen her for a least a few hours.  We gave up a lot of things to have such a life.  Our childhood was cut short because grandma wasn't the healthiest of people and some days were spent at doctors appointments and whatnot.  We got made fun of for smelling like cigarette smoke in school, and we had to put up with endless hours of Days of Our Lives, which is a hell all it's own.  But we also had a friend that would cry with us when we were sad, wrap blankets around us when we were cold, and who showed us what love should look like.  Some things we will never know, or will learn at a far later point in life, (mostly the manly fatherly things) but we got some great lessons.  I used to resent the life I had.  We were, and still are, poor.  We never got everything we wanted and some months we lived on potatoes and ramen noodles.  We sometimes shared a two bedroom house with four people.  I used to think that we were behind, that we would never get ahead in this messed up world.  Now I'm seeing things a little different.  That saying 'can't take it with you when you go' is beyond true.  The stuff in grandma's room doesn't make a bit of difference now.  It's empty.  Just like the corpse that wore her face.  The second her spirit left for whatever fate it was destined to, her body was a shell.  A meaningless shell.  Some people might see the life I choose to live as worthless but what does it matter in the end.  Was I happy?  Did I make enough memories to carry with me? I think it's time to reevaluate what is really important in life.  Yes I will always be in student loan debt, but I had a good time in college and I don't buy anything anymore if I don't have cash to do so.  Yes I will be working till the day I die, but I know the value of a dollar and the satisfaction of a good days' work.  My hard life has made me a strong person.  Right now when I feel like I need to solve all the problems, need to save my family from what comes next, with life without grandma, I have to remember that I'm stronger than I think.  That we are stronger that we think.  I have to pull on that and every last ounce of Faith that I possess.  We are going to be okay.  We are going to be okay.  Both Faith and that conviction are lacking though while I'm trying to ignore my breaking heart.  Even though He is silent I still pray.  Even though I want to curl up and cry I get up.  I'm thinking these are the things that really matter.  

Sorry for the seriousness but hey I'm a writer, I have to get it out of me somehow.

Be a Warrior.
God bless.