A lot of things are changing. A part of me craves it! I welcome the change. Right now I'm sitting fully dressed with my books packed and the strongest desire has come over me to run. Just fucking run away. I have like a hundred dollars to my name, two cats to take care of and a sister and mother who would be lost if I left and I don't care. I don't care. I don't think it's solely because I'm sad, I'm not stupid i know if I'm sad here I'll be sad somewhere else. But that ever present feeling of being trapped is here. I can't shake it. I know I'm blessed. God loves me something fierce or I would have been done awhile ago. I know I have a good life. I just can't seem to make my heart feel the same as my mind is telling me. Or is it the other way around. Heart knows what's best and my mind is making up some troubles for me. I write the beginning of this story so many times. Where I pack up in the middle of the night, fill my gas tank, write some letters and disappear. Now I've actually got the opening scene to my own private story sitting in my living room and I can taste it. I can feel the need clawing at me. It's this deep ache for something more. In terms of responsibility I am blessed with fewer than most. I don't have kids. I have bills and a job and two cats whom I love, but who I could leave. That kills me to say but it's true. I could leave them. I have a boy I'll never be good enough for and who will never look at me that way. I have my sister. My other half, the only one I think is close enough to getting me, but she has someone to hold her together now. It's not just the two of us. And my mom, who would hurt the most. But at the same time I think she'd get it. Common sense tells me to sit here and not throw away a good job and a family and a life to ease the need. It'll pass, you'll be fine, you always are.. Common sense is a bitch sometimes. I want to go. I need to.
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