As most of you know by now, I'm a ranter. I get stuck on something for about a day and just can't seem to get off of it. Last night I had an epiphany. I choose. I choose what you see of me, I choose what you know of me, and I damn well choose how I live my life.
We all have trauma from our past (ALL) it just takes different forms. Yes I have a prejudice against privileged spoiled rotten teenagers driving around in their 40k cars not having to worry about a thing, but I'm working on it, and I only see what they want me to see. I don't have the advantage of seeing behind the curtain...
I'm sick of hearing phrases like 'she's this way because of this..." Maybe the simpler solution is to not give a fuck about the because and just appreciate the difference. It took me a long time to realize that I'm such a better person for growing up without than I would have growing up with. This statement could be the exact opposite for a different person.
For a long time I tried and succeeded for the most part in keeping my self safe and secure and locked down from everyone. In doing so I had to sabotage myself, and now it's just out of control. Guess what though, I'm in control! Of myself and nothing else. So the sabotage will end with a struggle to regain what is mine and I never want to hear 'she's this way because of this...' again. The Creator gave us this heart and the core remains strong even if it gets chipped and dented along the way.
So fuck you evil world for trying to take me down. Fuck you ignorant people putting me in your Freudian classifications, I'm tired of trying to live up to your standards and conform to your ideas of normality. I see in rainbows.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Friday, May 2, 2014
It's 10 pm on a Friday night. I have to be up in six hours for a crazy long day. For some unknown reason (okay I know why) I have decided to do a "Yes month". For those of you that are familiar with the movie "Yes Man" you will now be say 'ahhhh', for those of you that have yet to see it, let me elaborate. Yes to everything that is ever asked of me. My version does have some limitations as I will not be getting into strangers cars or giving old men blow jobs. But other than that it's game on.. Pretty much I'm trying to see if I am to restricted, if I'm not living enough, if I spend too much time by myself and not enough time making those memories that really matter in the end.
(My cat is yowling outside and it's distracting....is that a mating call or do i need to rescue him....I'm never sure)
Anyhow tomorrow I work, and the next morning I work at 5, but tomorrow after work I'm taking off for a powwow fivish hours away, estimated to return 2 hours before work the next day. Usually I would have said no to my friend and stayed home and been responsible but I said yes. So I'm heading out tomorrow for a grand adventure. I hope it's awesome otherwise I'll never do a yes month again and I'll just get really good at blowing people off...oh wait....
Here is the thing with growing up in poverty. I feel bad spending any sort of money, I hate it when I'm not responsible, I will literally work myself stupid (to the point where i thought my food was singing a song to me). It's like a sickness. I still don't have money, don't get me wrong, I'm well in the below poverty mark on the tax bracket but I have food and a house and a job and a car and enough spare change to supply my Dutch Bros addition. But how much stuff am i missing out on just to try to get ahead in life just to die and really I only give a flying fuck about money to pay the bills. So again I say fuck it (I'm not spending a lot of money don't worry bills first!!) and horray for yes month.. Let's make it a good one!! oh also it's my birthday month so ask me to do something awesome.
I think I'm going to change my middle name. it's lame.
Still reading Dracula, it's taking me awhile and I don't know why cause it's a good one.
Seen Divergent 6 times in theaters....oh gawd
Got some more sleeve done. Down to one (if I'm as badass as I think I am, which I'm probably not) more five hour session!!
You rock my face off.
#arelame
(My cat is yowling outside and it's distracting....is that a mating call or do i need to rescue him....I'm never sure)
Anyhow tomorrow I work, and the next morning I work at 5, but tomorrow after work I'm taking off for a powwow fivish hours away, estimated to return 2 hours before work the next day. Usually I would have said no to my friend and stayed home and been responsible but I said yes. So I'm heading out tomorrow for a grand adventure. I hope it's awesome otherwise I'll never do a yes month again and I'll just get really good at blowing people off...oh wait....
Here is the thing with growing up in poverty. I feel bad spending any sort of money, I hate it when I'm not responsible, I will literally work myself stupid (to the point where i thought my food was singing a song to me). It's like a sickness. I still don't have money, don't get me wrong, I'm well in the below poverty mark on the tax bracket but I have food and a house and a job and a car and enough spare change to supply my Dutch Bros addition. But how much stuff am i missing out on just to try to get ahead in life just to die and really I only give a flying fuck about money to pay the bills. So again I say fuck it (I'm not spending a lot of money don't worry bills first!!) and horray for yes month.. Let's make it a good one!! oh also it's my birthday month so ask me to do something awesome.
I think I'm going to change my middle name. it's lame.
Still reading Dracula, it's taking me awhile and I don't know why cause it's a good one.
Seen Divergent 6 times in theaters....oh gawd
Got some more sleeve done. Down to one (if I'm as badass as I think I am, which I'm probably not) more five hour session!!
You rock my face off.
#arelame
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