Ah the times, they do fly.

I apologize for my absence, it seems like it's almost impossible for me to write any more.  Streaming words together seems to be alright but putting something with substance is ...  uh...  not happening! <<<Case and point right there!!  Gah!  On the plus side I have been reading a lot, trying to re-open my creative mine.  Time.  It shall take time. 

Hmmm...I met a bird the other day!  He was awesome and his name was Mo!  

It's gloomy outside.  I'm gearing up for the holidays by beading and knitting like a mad man!  Yes I now knit.  Just scarfs as of now but someday I hope to progress to socks!  

I'm going to watch Man of Steel in a bit, probably have something to eat.

I want to find a Zelda shield to bead!  I think I shall go find that image.  Stick with me people.  We'll get there.  

Warrior on.

II'm the new official Vice President of the Red River Powwow.  I'm both excited and a little hesitant to take this job, but hey it'll keep me occupied and we all know I need to be occupied.  It looks like it might storm tonight and I want nothing more than to lie in the grass while the rain washes over my upturned face.  True bliss.  I'm now reading the Case for Faith and My Sister's keeper.  The Faith one is a little trivial.  Meaning I didn't grow up in the church, I didn't even believe in God truly until I was 18 and the things in the book I learned in one semester of college...it was a Christian college but all the same.  I suppose if I was a newb and really had something to search for there it would be worth it.  I'm trucking on but it's really a boring read for me.  The other one had me hooked in minutes and I find myself thinking about it throughout the day.  Both the story and the way it was written are splendid.  Although I do hate the mother for the most part.  Well I need to go to the store and there is one ten feet from my house, but if I drive 20 minutes to town I can get a Dutch Bro...ah decisions...Here is a picture to make you're heart happy. Later yo's.

I lost a friend a few years ago and for some reason it hit me pretty hard.  We weren't tight, we just went to school together and worked together and occasionally hung out.  He died in the war and I think about him as little as possible.  Last month when my world changed and grandma died I had a dream about him.  It was a busy street, late at night.  There were hundreds of people mulling around, excited, happy.  As if on cue the crowds parted and there he stood staring up at the sky with a big smile on his face.  The sky lit up with fireworks and I watched as the lights changed the color of his face.  In my dream I was bawling and trying to find someone to tell because he was here.  And then he looked me in the eye and gave me the sweetest smile I've seen in a long time.  I stopped screaming and just watched him.  He was so happy.

I have yet to feel grandma.

I hope she's just as happy.

I'm not healing like I should be and I'm mad.  After all these years of being strong and tough and untouchable, I'm bleeding all over the fucking rug.

And now in other news that isn't my emotions. 
Finally finished Lord of the Rings.  Ridiculous just watch the movie.
Lee Child writes a mighty entertaining story with Jack Reacher.
Paranormalcy is both silly (the girl is rather see through) and captivating.  Read it in almost a day. Zip Zip!

Writing is still not going.  Aside from this blog I've got maybe two sentences down on paper/screen.

Ants are the devil.

Life moves on even when you stop.

later.

Ah home again...not that I really want to be.  Ha.  My mom and I just got back from our annual Shoshone Bannock Festival in Fort Hall, ID.  It's a four hour drive and the only time we lock down our bad thoughts.  For one entire day, no negative, worrying thoughts.  I felt awesome this morning when I woke up, well minus the sunburn that I picked up.  Dang it.  We stayed at the Ameritel Inn this time, having stayed at the Best Western twice and the Red Lion once.  Hey I don't stay in hotels so I get excited when I do.  So Ameritel was awesome by the way, Red Lion gets the thumbs down but that's another story.  So after taking off at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning we arrive in Pocatello a little after 8 (we shopped before we left so hitting the road at 4 only took us four hours).  After having breakfast at Butterburrs, where I found my Penis!  We set out to refresh ourselves on what time we could check in. So we are walking toward the hotel building, no big deal, when my mom trips and then catches herself twice.  In a row continuous, you know what I'm talking about right.  I thought she had everything undercover because it looks like she is just standing there all fine seconds before her knees hit the ground and she goes into this bow that would make Muslims proud.  Her forehead is on the ground, ass in the air and she is just sitting there, right in front of the windows to the breakfast eating area.  So she gets up with little help from me (I'm okay i got it ) and we go check talk to the guy (3p.m.).  Holy mother I have never laughed so hard in my life (after I found out she just had some scraped knees and a swollen toe) Driving down the freeway to Ft. Hall I thought I would have to pull over and finish laughing.  Don't worry mom was laughing just as bad as I was.  It's frightening. So anyway we get to Powwow grounds (WHOOP) and it's crazy early so nothing is really going on yet but we shop and take a seat and then it's grand entry and then the rest will be told in some pictures.  Enjoy.

"We're going to get through this" seems to be the chant of the month.  Even though I have no idea how.  I'm taking small comforts in thoughts such as 'we've been in trouble before', 'we always seem to get by', 'we'll be stronger people in the end'.  To be honest we have it good.  We're still mostly together, mostly healthy and haven't stopped to stare down at the watery abyss that looks so tempting while on bridges, so we're good.  But there are thoughts.  Dark thoughts that shouldn't be brought to the light of day.  Thoughts that would get one into even more trouble.
I don't want to be around anyone.
I haven't been able to write.
I want to sleep for a few days, but can't seem to sleep for more than a few hours.
I am more of an asshole than I've ever been. Pushing people away feels right.
I'm tired of all the uncertainty.  I want to know the outcome.  I want to know where we'll be.  The only thing that I'm taking comfort in, for some unknown reason, is that He has got me.  I usually am so uncertain about God, if I love Him, if He loves me, if it's all going to be enough.  But right now I'm certain.  He has me.  Whatever this brings I have to remember that.  So whatever comes is going to come and I can't stop it.  I don't control anything.  But I'm scared.  Really scared and so fucking tired.

Tear Lies.

It's a known fact that my temper is dangerously short.  It's also a fact that once my good judgment is lost it's lost forever.  I'm fiercely protective of what is mine, be it my Pokemon game or my family.  I don't give out anything it has to be earned but once it's there it's there for the long haul.  I would love to be one of those people that freely love whomever comes across their path (but who needs the herpies??) and who can easily forgive and forget, but I'm not.  Sure at times this makes me a stubborn bitch of a woman but at least I'm honest in whatever I do.

So that brings me to you.  How you sleep at night I'll never understand.  You openly, freely and without any qualm tell all that you don't love your mother.  You don't feel like she did anything for you.  Fine.  Okay.  It makes you a bitch, sure, but kuddos for being honest about your feelings.  We don't see you, we don't hear from you.  We keep it on the down low from the woman that birthed, fed, and raised you, with love and no forms of abuse, that you don't give a shit about her.  Knowing this would only hurt her and she's too precious to us to harm like that.  Years go by with maybe a card or a call on her birthday.  Good effort on your part to keep up the caring facade.  Life goes on with us as it always has.  We sacrafice a lot of things to keep her happy and safe.  You don't care what, I know, but I'm sure your children got to be children.  When you wanted to go out and do something as simple as see a movie, I'm sure you did.  You didn't have to be exposed to things like strokes, doctor appointments and in the end watching one of the only people you actually love gasp her last breath.  How about carry her body out of her bed and put it in a van with a man that had earlier killed himself to keep her company?  Nah you didn't get those pleasures.  The funny thing is, through all of the neglect that you put upon your mother, she still loved you.  Told us when your birthday was, recalled stories about your childhood, and wondered how you were.  Was she perfect?  No of course not.  The only perfect person in this whole mess of a world we crucified, so how could she be.  Truth all the same.  So now she has got a stamp with how many months she's got left in the world.  Suddenly you are all tears and sad facebook posts and telling the world to feel sorry for YOU because YOU will be missing out on the mother that YOU previously disowned.  It must be terrible for YOU to feel so lost.  So messed up to not know what YOU are going to do without her. Just thinking about it probably makes YOUR stomach cramp up and the breath leave YOUR lungs.  How are YOU going to get on with life without the anchor that held YOU steady??  Must be tough.   For us.  It's tough for us.  YOU don't know.

I hope some day my hatred for you dissolves into nothing.  I seriously hope it does.  If you are the reason I don't get to frolic with Jesus, I would be pissed.  You shouldn't get that kind of glory. If I'm going down (literally) then it better be to something like Satan himself, because that is a worthy opponent.  He at least stood for something and stuck by it. 

But for now I'm livid.  I'm burning with a rage I've never felt before.  How can you come in and take everything when for 20 plus years you've done nothing.  We would have been fair to you.  Trust me, my other half would have made me be fair to you. Even though you don't deserve it.  But you took everything with a false smile on your face and a lie of a tear in your eye. 

How do you sleep at night?

This is all for today..

Be a Warrior.

Well tragedy has struck my little family.  I have had two parents like most people.  One of them was my mother and one of them was my mom's mom.  My grandma.  It's not like my grandma is young in any way, and it's not like we didn't have warning, but my grandma is no more.  December 28th of last year grandma had a stroke and while in the hospital recovering from the stroke the doctors found cancer.  Very aggressive, terminal, mass amounts of cancer.  Cancer that was so big in her breasts that one of the doctors asked if she had implants.  She didn't of course.  Although if I make it to g-mas age, I'll get me some fake boobies.  So we were told that she had a couple of months to live and with any luck she would go before it got too painful to live.  It sorta went like that.  She made it seven months with mild pain until the last month or so.  A month of pain.  My mom, sister and I have lived with my grandma our entire lives.  Up until my sister moved in with her boyfriend and I got a trailer up the street.  Not many days have gone by where I haven't seen her for a least a few hours.  We gave up a lot of things to have such a life.  Our childhood was cut short because grandma wasn't the healthiest of people and some days were spent at doctors appointments and whatnot.  We got made fun of for smelling like cigarette smoke in school, and we had to put up with endless hours of Days of Our Lives, which is a hell all it's own.  But we also had a friend that would cry with us when we were sad, wrap blankets around us when we were cold, and who showed us what love should look like.  Some things we will never know, or will learn at a far later point in life, (mostly the manly fatherly things) but we got some great lessons.  I used to resent the life I had.  We were, and still are, poor.  We never got everything we wanted and some months we lived on potatoes and ramen noodles.  We sometimes shared a two bedroom house with four people.  I used to think that we were behind, that we would never get ahead in this messed up world.  Now I'm seeing things a little different.  That saying 'can't take it with you when you go' is beyond true.  The stuff in grandma's room doesn't make a bit of difference now.  It's empty.  Just like the corpse that wore her face.  The second her spirit left for whatever fate it was destined to, her body was a shell.  A meaningless shell.  Some people might see the life I choose to live as worthless but what does it matter in the end.  Was I happy?  Did I make enough memories to carry with me? I think it's time to reevaluate what is really important in life.  Yes I will always be in student loan debt, but I had a good time in college and I don't buy anything anymore if I don't have cash to do so.  Yes I will be working till the day I die, but I know the value of a dollar and the satisfaction of a good days' work.  My hard life has made me a strong person.  Right now when I feel like I need to solve all the problems, need to save my family from what comes next, with life without grandma, I have to remember that I'm stronger than I think.  That we are stronger that we think.  I have to pull on that and every last ounce of Faith that I possess.  We are going to be okay.  We are going to be okay.  Both Faith and that conviction are lacking though while I'm trying to ignore my breaking heart.  Even though He is silent I still pray.  Even though I want to curl up and cry I get up.  I'm thinking these are the things that really matter.  

Sorry for the seriousness but hey I'm a writer, I have to get it out of me somehow.

Be a Warrior.
God bless.

So I'm on this big Jane Austen kick.  No I have never read any of her books but I love her movies.  I haven't read the books because really she freaks me out.  I just know that she is far more intelligent than I shall ever be in my lifetime and I won't understand a word she says. But I'm going to try.  I've been beading to Lost in Austen, which is a BBC mini series that is amazing, watch it.  And I also watched the great Colin Firth play Darcy in that six hour movie.  You tube and Hulu are amazing. :)

Today I went to town with my sister to fool around.  She lives six hours away from me now, it's hard without her here.  But I got an awesome book haul!!  Let me just tell you what I got at Goodwill and the used bookstores:  

The Little Prince by  Antoine de Saint Exupery
Anne Frank:  The Diary of a Young Girl
The Girl Who Played With Fire - Stieg Larsson
Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
Insomnia - Steven King
The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Next - Stieg Larsson
Zeke and Ned - Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana
The Christian Atheist - Craig Groeschel

Interesting thing is that Craig Groeschel is my former pastor from OK!!!  I found his book all the way in ID in a goodwill store!  I was super excited!!  I can't wait to start reading some of these books! (a side note.  I have more books than some people will see in their lifetimes and yet I can't stop)  Unfortunatley I'm still reading Lord of the Rings because I am.  I'm really not sure if I like it all that much.  It keeps me entertained while I'm reading but I'm not dying to read it.  Does that make sense??  

Hasta.

Oh the beauty of sleep deprivation...

I get weird.  Like super weird.  It has come to my attention (okay it was thrown in my face) that I have given up.  I have got to that point in life where I'm like 'ah screw it'.  The world is now freely walking on me and I'm letting it.  First off I'm 28 and way to awesome to give in.  There really isn't a second point because that is all I need.  Why do we give up so easily?

A question all of us at some point, if not multiple points, will have to ask ourselves.

I would leave you with a completely inappropriate but valid song by Tiger Army entitled FTW but I won't.  Instead I just suggest you youtube it...with your parents permission...or not.  Be a rebel.

Imagine That




Click that link you know you wanna!!  Psst it's free for the next three days!!!!

Here are my thoughts of the day:

If you are trying at life, you are winning.

That is all.

God Bless 

 

Well today is my birthday.  I'm 28 and don't really have a lot to show for my life and yet I'm pretty happy.  I wish I could do more for my mom though and this will be my one great regret in life.  She wrote me the most beautiful letter today that I just sat and sobbed while reading it.  She is truly an amazing woman that I know this world kicked around a lot.  Luckily I know that God will be taking excellent care of her when she leaves this place.  

And that was my serious note.

In other news I've started writing a collection of short stories that all center on mystical creatures!  AHHHH yeah!!  I'm pumped.  You all will get a whole random bowl of Aimee in your face and you'll love it!!!

Got some new bubbles they are purple and leave spots!  I'm going to wear all white and blow them and then run around and pop them on my body!!  

I have also begun to cut the rims off of Copenhagen lids to create my Jingle Dress. Check out this link to watch something amazing with Jingles. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDxw6s9WEhA  

Haven't been reading too much cause I've been working a lot (A LOT) and mostly I just pass out at night for a few hours before beginning all over again.  I did just finish Listening Woman by Hillerman.  Decent.  I have been re-reading Harry Potter.  I love those books and they changed me.  I remember my sister brought them home from school after the craze of HP had been around for awhile.  I remember picking up one of the books and then getting lost late into the night within that world.  My sister told me to giver her back the book it was hers but I pretty much stole it...

I'm also starting LOTR. Finally right?

My cat was sick for a few days.  He's better now.

I'm off to bed!  
 

So it's a new day.  Tomorrow will be yet another new day and it's a vicious cycle that we either embrace or get sick of and throw up a lot.  It's not all that bad...
Read the cutest book the other day called Brontorina!  It's about a dinosaur that want's to be a ballerina.  Precious.  It's by James Howe and you should all look it up and buy it and read it and love it.
I also just finished another Alexie book since I enjoy his writing a lot.  War Dances was a collection of sad short stories.  Some of them involved giggling but for the most part I  was just sad.  And now I'm reading my first Luanne Rice.  We shall see.
Enough with books for now!
Let's talk about my nose ring!
I just got it and then I got sick and am blowing my nose a lot.  I think it's going to take a longer time to heal than planned.  Bastard colds.
In a few days I will be at what can only be described as worship for those spiritual folks and as fun to the rowdy and as crazy to the crazy.  Yes.  Powwow season is upon us.  I usually get to go to three powwows a year and the first one is on Saturday.  Of course this year is different because the people that I had been watching for the last five years (she says while watching from the tree in the backyard) are now my friends.  Or acquaintances on the road to being friends.  Yes I bucked up and joined the Native American Coalition of Boise and Red River Powwow.  I'm actually going to be doing dancer registration this year.  Crazy I know, but I'm pumped.  Enjoy a picture taken by Yours truly.  Later peeps.

 

Wow.  Days seem to fly by with little to no oddities.  It makes me sad.