Freedom

I never want to be have fear control my life.  I love my mother but she lets a speech impediment control her.  She is it's bitch.  I never want to let something have that much power over me.  It's held her back in all aspects of her life.  Her love life, as in she has been alone for 26 years almost.  Her job.  She's been up for management positions several times and she wont do it for fear of talking.  In simple everyday things that we do so easily, like ordering coffee, or talking on the phone.  All of this is never done by her.  Granted she has gotten a tad better, meaning she will attempt to speak sometimes in gatherings, but she is still consumed by this thing.  I also have fears. I fear failure above almost anything.  Who's definition of failure?  Societies.  Even if I went by my own set of values, I'm still a failure.  I fear never falling in love and having that love returned.  Which is a new fear as I was perfectly content to do everything by myself for the longest time.  I fear never being happy.  This sounds foolish to a lot of people, but if you ask me when I was the happiest I couldn't tell you a time.  I could give you multiple hardships and times where I've crawled out of the massive pit a couple of times but true happiness?  I think that comes with freedom.  Which is my ultimate goal in life.  Freedom.  Freedom from the things of this world.  I've often said how un-materialist I am, it's not a lie.  My vices in that area are books and Dutch Bros and I am partial to running water (although I haven't had water in my house for two years now so I can survive).  My dream would be a green tiny house (green as eco friendly, although color wise it is my favorite) out in the woods somewhere.  Free from the debt I collected when I was young and stupid.  Free from the demons of my soul.   Free to live and love and be loved.  I imagine this picture multiple times a day...in it I have a Dire wolf because why the fuck not, or some rescued pitty, and we're just happy.  If I'm feeling super hopeful I throw a man in there too, but mostly it's that elusive and unfelt feeling that I'm imagining.  Freedom.  Happy.  So I'm taking steps.  I'm trying to work on myself, which is always the hardest.  Even if I'm not happy I'm safe right now.  Safe in my little cocoon of fat and protected by my walls of despair.  I'm not saying this for pitty, I'm saying this because it needs to be said.  People have to overcome, we have to strive to be something better than we were yesterday.  By your own standards.  Not society.  If you are a spiritual person like I am, you can be better by the Creator's standards, and you two work something out.  No one knows your soul like the one who made it.  So here's to beating our fears and becoming free.  My ancestors were warriors.  I'm a warrior.  I will be free.