I am now thirty years of age.  I feel like I am still 19. I'm learning still.  Always.  I hope I always learn.

A friend made a very good and smart comment to me the other night.  As I'm struggling in a massive way with feelings and my past and God deserting me (it feels like) she told me this.  Jesus was completely alone in the garden. His friend fell asleep and God had to turn away and leave him.  He left him because it was painful and because if he hadn't then Jesus wouldn't be able to truly say that he knows how we feel and he's been through it.  This is the first time I've ever thought of that.  It makes so much sense.  I get it.  I haven't turned away from God but I feel as if he's left me alone to deal with my own shit.  I'm still living by faith even if I've lost it, which probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  It does in my head so go with it.

It's a comforting thought.

Other than that I went jogging for the first time in like a year.  I'm going to be so sore tomorrow, but it was a good feeling.  The sky was black and the smell of rain was on the wind.  Lightining was breaking in the distance and my ever faithful Jez was running by my side, before rolling in the dirt. 

I'm reading Cormack McCarthy yet again, this time with 'All the Pretty Horses'.  I've also joined a book club so I'll be reading Game of Thrones in a month!  :)

My soul friend continues to be the best thing I've had in my life other than my family..  I adore him and I don't know how I got this far in life without him!  It's amazing.

Still going to seek therapy in the fall.

Applying for another job, because having one is just not good for my mental state and for my pocket.  I really got used to not worrying about money.

Going to be 30 in nine days.  I've decided that it's going to be an awesome year and I'm going to be happy and this world shall not drag me down.

Warrior on.