Wow. I'm writing this is a semi state of shock and awe and quickly because I don't want to forget anything. Later I'll go back and write with pen and see what else I get. Tonight was my friend Jeff's birthday party. We were all outside sitting around a fire (cause that's what we do) drinking beer and laughing. No big deal. A lady sits next to me and it's not a thing cause it's Jeff's wife's family and no big deal. We get to talking about tattoos and she has one and she's not satisfied and what no and it's of the angles. Michael and the other four? I'm not catholic I don't know much about them besides what small bits I've read and what I've seen on supernatural and paranormal state. Anyhow I've had a couple of drinks so I pipe and say how I've always wanted a crucifix on a pendant to keep the demons at bay. She kinda gives me a wierd look, look's at Jeff's wife and looks back at me. "why would you say that?" I tell her that I've had some issues with demons in the past and I heard that the actual Jesus on the cross is what's best for that. Well she says that's exactly why she got this particular tattoo, because she can see things. I don't find this odd in any way because this world is crazy and there is all kinds of shit out there. So she snickers a little and says 'I thought maybe she had told you about me and that wouldn't have been okay'. She being Jeff's wife. Nope I respond I just am talkative. She then says 'well you have a great uncle here.' you should know that I don't know any males in my family. no father, no grandfather. The only uncle I know are my mom's sisters husbands and they're all kinda shit that I haven't talked to or thought about since my Grandma died. So whomever Great Uncle is he's super fucking chatty cause this woman goes off. I get a reading at a campfire, at my friends birthday party, purely by fucking accident. I am just going to list stuff she said without putting " " . just for time purposes and to get it out. Some stuff was on the head and some stuff I think is a load of crap that I could have pulled out of my ass. If you have read any of my last posts you know what is sorta going on in my life and that right now I'm depressed as fuck and mildly suicidal. So with that being said away we go.
I've been betrayed by a man. he cheated on me (never had a date so load of shit). I don't pray enough or go to church and then she stops and has an ah ha moment. you've lost your faith. I tell her no I love Jesus. She shakes her head and says that believing and having faith are two different things and guess what she's right. I just said this to someone earlier today. I have a lot of emotional pain in my past that is keeping me blocked off. I don't believe I'm worthy of love and I wont let people near me. I have to stop hating myself and change my life cause I will have a heart attack if I don't change. literally she said heart attack. I hurt myself, not in the typical way of cutting but there is a lot of shit that I do to myself. I have to let it go. I have to let it go. She keeps going back to the male thing and I'm like seriously I've never had any males so I don't think that is for me. And my family has some Aztec decent according to her and we do have a curse placed on us. It was done by a witch a long time ago. She said I blocked stuff out, there is something with a man in there. she said I also toyed with the idea of going the other way (which is true I've often wondered if I'm gay) but the reason's she gave were way wrong since i don't trust girls any more than I trust guys. I apparently don't like the games men play ( how the fuck would I know) She says I need to meditate and find that peace inside otherwise nothing will change. She stressed that losing love is better than not loving at all which is what I avoid. I avoid getting close to anyone. That's all I can remember at the moment but she was a trip. She kept looking over my shoulder and leaning her head to the side as if she was listening. I definitly think that people have this gift. Do I think that she did and someone is watching me at current? maybe. But then again a depressed fat girl isn't that hard to figure out. The heart attack thing kinda scared me cause I don't want to die like that! I mean that just is no fun! so I'll be working hard. Like change my life hard cause I don't want to go that way. Anyway. If I remember more I'll let you know. Night all.
Warrior on.
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