Ah the things we do to others so that we feel valid.  I know there is a lot of debate (at least in the religious community) about per-destination and I am beginning to think more of it.  I only say this because I can't understand how people who are clearly so amazing can't see it themselves.  I am also a pot calling the kettle black here as I don't see anything that people say about me, unless of course it's negative.

I want you to know some things.  You are so amazing.  The life that you led has been hard and full of obstacles and guess what, triumphs.  Every time you thought you weren't going to make it through that next hill, that next terrible thing, that next heartbreak, you did.  You did it.  You made it over and through and picked up the pieces.  Your story is so rich.  It's so bright and full of wonder and I look at you and I'm just amazed at what you are.  Amazed.  To call you friend is one of the greatest joys that I don't believe I deserve.  I know you're still struggling, I am too, I get it, guess what?  I'll be here for you.  I know you've heard that.  I know you doubt.  I am telling you.  I'm telling you again.  I'm here for you.  I'll be here for you.  I'll protect you against all that I can, even yourself.  I'll fight when you can't.  I'll guide when you get lost.  I'm here for you.

Those that have the easy road are never very interesting.  Trivial.  Listening to them talk is just humerous to me.  I think to myself 'ha, if only my problems were so small' and try and give the best advice I can.  I know that for them it's a big deal, and I have to respect that as much as I can.  I try.

You and I are different though.  We're cut from the same clothe.  It's a beautiful clothe, just uneven and sewn together with patches and rough stitching.  It's beautiful.  

You are my beautiful fuck up.  

I'm am so exstatic to have had the pleasure to be in your life.

You changed mine.

I am a beautiful fuck up.

Together it's a swirling mess of pain, laughter, shame and love.  

If ever there was something real, this is it.

Again I say.  You are so amazing.  You inspire me.  You changed me.  You needed to know.

To all my beautiful fuck ups.

Warrior on.

Ah shucks

Someone just told me that I should have come with a warning 'Highly Addictive'.  

That is so great! 

Dear Self

Dear Self,
     I know, I know.  You have feelings.  You've done nothing but mope around about them for the last month.  I understand that you are emotionally challenged and crave love and acceptance, I get it, I lived it too.  At some point in your life (hello you're almost 30 you should have already crossed this bridge) you're going to have to spank the inner moppet and move on.  How can you expect someone to see you (who the hell are you?  I'm not even sure) if you're always crying about how hard your life was and how you just aren't understood.  Everyone has had a hard life in one way or another, everyone.  So here is a new and somewhat similar life track that we're going to go on.

1.) We are NOT going to form an attachment and then call it the "L" word with your best friend.  You've done this once before remember?  You've had this happen once and you ran away from home and did disgusting and disturbing things with a guy you met online.  We aren't doing that again.  Just shut up and except that you have someone in your life (again) that sees you better than you do, that will be around for an undetermined amount of days, and that you can laugh with.  That has to be enough for you.  Also stop dwelling on the day that he'll move on.  It's a human thing, people move on.  He's here while you need him and you'll return the favor.

2.)  You will focus on yourself.  This being stop wasting money on fast food and pick up that set of weights that you purchased.  You're not meant to be in this body and we both know it.  Two sizes down already and you know you feel it everywhere.  You're body doesn't hurt as much and yes you have a mild strut so how about we help the process along and get serious.  Stay focused.

3.)  You're probably going to have to quit that job you hate.  I mean come on you've been there long enough and you aren't going to get any higher up that ladder.  So start looking.  I mean it.

4.)  Be honest.  You tell lies all the time.  Big ones, small ones.  Lies to others, lies to yourself.  It's just getting to be a giant cluster fuck.  So you want to fall in love.  You do.  You still don't want children.  I know.  You aren't a bad ass, you're a nerd cupcake, to the core. 

5.)  Live fearlessly.  You have to do this to truly be free.  And Freedom is our ultimate goal.  Fearlessly.  FEARLESSLY.  Yes it will cause you to mess up and feel embarrassed from time to time but good things will come out of this as well, trust me.

     With all that being said.  You don't know how many days you have left.  You don't know when you'll lose someone again and they'll take a part of you with them.  It will never be okay to not say yes to that memory.  Stay out later if you'll get it.  Take a picture.  Hug with your heart.  Be kind.  You get through it, you have before and you will again.  So just stop and enjoy something.  It's okay to be happy. 

                                              Sincerely,
                                                         You, just the smarter side.

I'm so fucking broken right now.  Waited forever, it seems, for someone to get me.  I think we crave understanding.  I got it.  I wanted it all the time.  I fucked it up.  It's over.  I'm a fucking mess.  How do you put yourself back together?  Can't get those walls back up.  I'm fucking lost.  I don't even know this person.  I stand by what I've all along.  I don't ever want to feel.  I let it happen once.  That's it for me.  I'm done...