Inside Out

Went and saw the new Pixar movie with my soul friend tonight.  I understand why people say this will cause talk about mental issues.  I don't know what I have but lately it's been almost impossible for me to not be sad, to not be depressed.  I try and get myself out of the funk, I try.  But it's there.  So I wonder if my joy ran off with disgust or something!?  haha.  I know lame, but possible true.  Game of Thrones! !  Off to read world.  Behave.

Freedom

I never want to be have fear control my life.  I love my mother but she lets a speech impediment control her.  She is it's bitch.  I never want to let something have that much power over me.  It's held her back in all aspects of her life.  Her love life, as in she has been alone for 26 years almost.  Her job.  She's been up for management positions several times and she wont do it for fear of talking.  In simple everyday things that we do so easily, like ordering coffee, or talking on the phone.  All of this is never done by her.  Granted she has gotten a tad better, meaning she will attempt to speak sometimes in gatherings, but she is still consumed by this thing.  I also have fears. I fear failure above almost anything.  Who's definition of failure?  Societies.  Even if I went by my own set of values, I'm still a failure.  I fear never falling in love and having that love returned.  Which is a new fear as I was perfectly content to do everything by myself for the longest time.  I fear never being happy.  This sounds foolish to a lot of people, but if you ask me when I was the happiest I couldn't tell you a time.  I could give you multiple hardships and times where I've crawled out of the massive pit a couple of times but true happiness?  I think that comes with freedom.  Which is my ultimate goal in life.  Freedom.  Freedom from the things of this world.  I've often said how un-materialist I am, it's not a lie.  My vices in that area are books and Dutch Bros and I am partial to running water (although I haven't had water in my house for two years now so I can survive).  My dream would be a green tiny house (green as eco friendly, although color wise it is my favorite) out in the woods somewhere.  Free from the debt I collected when I was young and stupid.  Free from the demons of my soul.   Free to live and love and be loved.  I imagine this picture multiple times a day...in it I have a Dire wolf because why the fuck not, or some rescued pitty, and we're just happy.  If I'm feeling super hopeful I throw a man in there too, but mostly it's that elusive and unfelt feeling that I'm imagining.  Freedom.  Happy.  So I'm taking steps.  I'm trying to work on myself, which is always the hardest.  Even if I'm not happy I'm safe right now.  Safe in my little cocoon of fat and protected by my walls of despair.  I'm not saying this for pitty, I'm saying this because it needs to be said.  People have to overcome, we have to strive to be something better than we were yesterday.  By your own standards.  Not society.  If you are a spiritual person like I am, you can be better by the Creator's standards, and you two work something out.  No one knows your soul like the one who made it.  So here's to beating our fears and becoming free.  My ancestors were warriors.  I'm a warrior.  I will be free.
 

Little bit of a story

Each time she made it home it was a small victory.  Tonight would be no different.  She would get home and go to bed and start the day again and nothing would change.

The parking lot was bright as always and the fear never really started til she got past the first stop light.  She could drive through town but it took three times as long as the back roads and despite her outwardly disposition she had a life to lead.  Besides she was a grown up and grown ups aren't afraid of childish things like the dark.  To be honest though she didn't fear the dark, rather what blended into it.

So she turned left at the stop light as usual and made her way home with the windows up and the radio turned up.  

She kept her eyes on the road ahead and refused to look at the fields to either side of her.  At least it wasn't corn fields.  Name one horror movie that didn't have a corn field.  That's right, it's impossible, they all have corn fields.  

The road was long and curvy and deserted.  She rarely if ever came across another vehicle at this time of night. 

It was at the first stop sign that the hair on her arms stood up and a chill went through her body.  She sat frozen afraid to look and afraid not to look.  Something was watching her.  It was on her left side.  She could feel it.  She knew.

Leaving the stop sign in her dust, and holding her breath.  Ten more minutes and she would be safe in her home, in her bed, safe.

But what was that shadow?  What was that blur?  

65 miles per hour and what was that shadow?  There was no logical explanation for what could be moving that fast.  It was a farming community.  How fast could cows run?

Breathing was becoming a desperate pant and tears were dangerously close.  How long had she avoided this?  How long had it been waiting for her?  A second stop sign was coming up quick, if she didn't lose it now she wouldn't make it past.

80 miles per hour and no sign of the shadow.  Coming up on the stop sign she reluctantly forced herself to stop.

What is it about human nature that makes us want to look when we know we shouldn't?

Just a quick peek, only from the side of her eye, only for a second.

Nightmares pale in comparison.

Every last whisp of breath left her body.

Fear is not able to explain the instant shaking of her body.  Hands too unsteady to keep a hold of the wheel.  In that instant, it was known that she wouldn't be making it home and that any of the most terrible ways to die would be better than her fate.

Slamming a foot as hard as she possibly could, she shot away from the sign, blinded by the tears streaming down her face.

It ran in front of the car.  Easily, as if it was strolling through a park on a sunny day.

If she could have mustered it she would have been screaming, but it was like a nightmare.  You try and try to make a noise but nothing comes out.

As easily as it appeared it disappeared.  It was gone.  The headlights picked up nothing but the chipped pavement and the swaying grass, the broken fence.

65 miles an hour and trying to hold the wheel steady through the tremors.  

Five minutes away from home.

Dare she believe that maybe she had escaped fate again?  

Last stop sign of the night and then it was into town and home free.  

With more control then thought possible she executed a proper stop.  With more bravery then she ever felt she looked full on to the side.

Into the dark.

Nothing was there

Finally air returned to her lungs and she left the stop sign with a hiccup of thanksgiving.

She crossed the bridge into her home base and sighed, looking into the review mirror at the nightmare she had escaped.