I lost a friend a few years ago and for some reason it hit me pretty hard.  We weren't tight, we just went to school together and worked together and occasionally hung out.  He died in the war and I think about him as little as possible.  Last month when my world changed and grandma died I had a dream about him.  It was a busy street, late at night.  There were hundreds of people mulling around, excited, happy.  As if on cue the crowds parted and there he stood staring up at the sky with a big smile on his face.  The sky lit up with fireworks and I watched as the lights changed the color of his face.  In my dream I was bawling and trying to find someone to tell because he was here.  And then he looked me in the eye and gave me the sweetest smile I've seen in a long time.  I stopped screaming and just watched him.  He was so happy.

I have yet to feel grandma.

I hope she's just as happy.

I'm not healing like I should be and I'm mad.  After all these years of being strong and tough and untouchable, I'm bleeding all over the fucking rug.

And now in other news that isn't my emotions. 
Finally finished Lord of the Rings.  Ridiculous just watch the movie.
Lee Child writes a mighty entertaining story with Jack Reacher.
Paranormalcy is both silly (the girl is rather see through) and captivating.  Read it in almost a day. Zip Zip!

Writing is still not going.  Aside from this blog I've got maybe two sentences down on paper/screen.

Ants are the devil.

Life moves on even when you stop.

later.