I'm involved in a group.  It's a dandy little group of like minded peeps wishing to continue on sharing their heritage.  It's called Red River Powwow Association.  I'm the newly appointed Vice President even though I wasn't raised in my culture (yes it kills me inside) and mostly feel like a giant phoney.  I'm learning things slowly but there is always going to be a sense of separation.  It could be all in my head but I don't think all of it is...
Anyhow this association has been keeping me sane for awhile.  There are some good people out there that will have your back at a moments call.  I hope to be like that someday.  There is also that tinge of high school drama that is annoying as fuck and the same time it's amusing because if all I had to worry about in life was that dumb shit then life would be pretty damn easy!  Ha! So we have two powwows coming up along with a conference that could be promising.  At least I think it will open the pathways that need to be opened and set up the future with a good starting block and map.  Sometimes it's the little things that make the most impact and one life that is touched is better than none.  That old saying about being the world to one person is most certainly true and it should be what we strive for as human beings.
With that same thought in mind I want to bring up another discussion I had with my sisters.  People will come and go and that is the nature of the world.  Nothing stays gold forever and we have to learn or teach and let go.  That being said I can tell you that I have learned a lot from the people I have come across and the people that I've permanently cut out of my life.  If you eat a toxic plant you will become infected by the poison, ensuring your demise.  Suck the poison out and never touch that plant again!  On to more fun things.

Austenland the movie was awesome, that blonde girl (Sticklers mom) is friggin' hilarious in everything she does.

Steven King's Doctor Sleep wasn't as creepy as I hoped and reminded me a lot of Koontz, shall try his earlier works.

I'm wearing cat pajamas!

Insomnia is the mother of all beasts.  I am exhausted and my body is sore and still I sit at this computer typing away whatever random thought comes in my mind, with a smile I might add, because at least I'm typing! 

I have to be up in four hours so I'm going to try the bed thing again!  I will be with you guys shortly and will bring a little story to cheer you.  The giant story is still sleeping and doesn't wish to be disturbed.

Much Love...Warrior On.

Ah the times, they do fly.

I apologize for my absence, it seems like it's almost impossible for me to write any more.  Streaming words together seems to be alright but putting something with substance is ...  uh...  not happening! <<<Case and point right there!!  Gah!  On the plus side I have been reading a lot, trying to re-open my creative mine.  Time.  It shall take time. 

Hmmm...I met a bird the other day!  He was awesome and his name was Mo!  

It's gloomy outside.  I'm gearing up for the holidays by beading and knitting like a mad man!  Yes I now knit.  Just scarfs as of now but someday I hope to progress to socks!  

I'm going to watch Man of Steel in a bit, probably have something to eat.

I want to find a Zelda shield to bead!  I think I shall go find that image.  Stick with me people.  We'll get there.  

Warrior on.

II'm the new official Vice President of the Red River Powwow.  I'm both excited and a little hesitant to take this job, but hey it'll keep me occupied and we all know I need to be occupied.  It looks like it might storm tonight and I want nothing more than to lie in the grass while the rain washes over my upturned face.  True bliss.  I'm now reading the Case for Faith and My Sister's keeper.  The Faith one is a little trivial.  Meaning I didn't grow up in the church, I didn't even believe in God truly until I was 18 and the things in the book I learned in one semester of college...it was a Christian college but all the same.  I suppose if I was a newb and really had something to search for there it would be worth it.  I'm trucking on but it's really a boring read for me.  The other one had me hooked in minutes and I find myself thinking about it throughout the day.  Both the story and the way it was written are splendid.  Although I do hate the mother for the most part.  Well I need to go to the store and there is one ten feet from my house, but if I drive 20 minutes to town I can get a Dutch Bro...ah decisions...Here is a picture to make you're heart happy. Later yo's.

I lost a friend a few years ago and for some reason it hit me pretty hard.  We weren't tight, we just went to school together and worked together and occasionally hung out.  He died in the war and I think about him as little as possible.  Last month when my world changed and grandma died I had a dream about him.  It was a busy street, late at night.  There were hundreds of people mulling around, excited, happy.  As if on cue the crowds parted and there he stood staring up at the sky with a big smile on his face.  The sky lit up with fireworks and I watched as the lights changed the color of his face.  In my dream I was bawling and trying to find someone to tell because he was here.  And then he looked me in the eye and gave me the sweetest smile I've seen in a long time.  I stopped screaming and just watched him.  He was so happy.

I have yet to feel grandma.

I hope she's just as happy.

I'm not healing like I should be and I'm mad.  After all these years of being strong and tough and untouchable, I'm bleeding all over the fucking rug.

And now in other news that isn't my emotions. 
Finally finished Lord of the Rings.  Ridiculous just watch the movie.
Lee Child writes a mighty entertaining story with Jack Reacher.
Paranormalcy is both silly (the girl is rather see through) and captivating.  Read it in almost a day. Zip Zip!

Writing is still not going.  Aside from this blog I've got maybe two sentences down on paper/screen.

Ants are the devil.

Life moves on even when you stop.

later.

Ah home again...not that I really want to be.  Ha.  My mom and I just got back from our annual Shoshone Bannock Festival in Fort Hall, ID.  It's a four hour drive and the only time we lock down our bad thoughts.  For one entire day, no negative, worrying thoughts.  I felt awesome this morning when I woke up, well minus the sunburn that I picked up.  Dang it.  We stayed at the Ameritel Inn this time, having stayed at the Best Western twice and the Red Lion once.  Hey I don't stay in hotels so I get excited when I do.  So Ameritel was awesome by the way, Red Lion gets the thumbs down but that's another story.  So after taking off at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning we arrive in Pocatello a little after 8 (we shopped before we left so hitting the road at 4 only took us four hours).  After having breakfast at Butterburrs, where I found my Penis!  We set out to refresh ourselves on what time we could check in. So we are walking toward the hotel building, no big deal, when my mom trips and then catches herself twice.  In a row continuous, you know what I'm talking about right.  I thought she had everything undercover because it looks like she is just standing there all fine seconds before her knees hit the ground and she goes into this bow that would make Muslims proud.  Her forehead is on the ground, ass in the air and she is just sitting there, right in front of the windows to the breakfast eating area.  So she gets up with little help from me (I'm okay i got it ) and we go check talk to the guy (3p.m.).  Holy mother I have never laughed so hard in my life (after I found out she just had some scraped knees and a swollen toe) Driving down the freeway to Ft. Hall I thought I would have to pull over and finish laughing.  Don't worry mom was laughing just as bad as I was.  It's frightening. So anyway we get to Powwow grounds (WHOOP) and it's crazy early so nothing is really going on yet but we shop and take a seat and then it's grand entry and then the rest will be told in some pictures.  Enjoy.

"We're going to get through this" seems to be the chant of the month.  Even though I have no idea how.  I'm taking small comforts in thoughts such as 'we've been in trouble before', 'we always seem to get by', 'we'll be stronger people in the end'.  To be honest we have it good.  We're still mostly together, mostly healthy and haven't stopped to stare down at the watery abyss that looks so tempting while on bridges, so we're good.  But there are thoughts.  Dark thoughts that shouldn't be brought to the light of day.  Thoughts that would get one into even more trouble.
I don't want to be around anyone.
I haven't been able to write.
I want to sleep for a few days, but can't seem to sleep for more than a few hours.
I am more of an asshole than I've ever been. Pushing people away feels right.
I'm tired of all the uncertainty.  I want to know the outcome.  I want to know where we'll be.  The only thing that I'm taking comfort in, for some unknown reason, is that He has got me.  I usually am so uncertain about God, if I love Him, if He loves me, if it's all going to be enough.  But right now I'm certain.  He has me.  Whatever this brings I have to remember that.  So whatever comes is going to come and I can't stop it.  I don't control anything.  But I'm scared.  Really scared and so fucking tired.

Tear Lies.

It's a known fact that my temper is dangerously short.  It's also a fact that once my good judgment is lost it's lost forever.  I'm fiercely protective of what is mine, be it my Pokemon game or my family.  I don't give out anything it has to be earned but once it's there it's there for the long haul.  I would love to be one of those people that freely love whomever comes across their path (but who needs the herpies??) and who can easily forgive and forget, but I'm not.  Sure at times this makes me a stubborn bitch of a woman but at least I'm honest in whatever I do.

So that brings me to you.  How you sleep at night I'll never understand.  You openly, freely and without any qualm tell all that you don't love your mother.  You don't feel like she did anything for you.  Fine.  Okay.  It makes you a bitch, sure, but kuddos for being honest about your feelings.  We don't see you, we don't hear from you.  We keep it on the down low from the woman that birthed, fed, and raised you, with love and no forms of abuse, that you don't give a shit about her.  Knowing this would only hurt her and she's too precious to us to harm like that.  Years go by with maybe a card or a call on her birthday.  Good effort on your part to keep up the caring facade.  Life goes on with us as it always has.  We sacrafice a lot of things to keep her happy and safe.  You don't care what, I know, but I'm sure your children got to be children.  When you wanted to go out and do something as simple as see a movie, I'm sure you did.  You didn't have to be exposed to things like strokes, doctor appointments and in the end watching one of the only people you actually love gasp her last breath.  How about carry her body out of her bed and put it in a van with a man that had earlier killed himself to keep her company?  Nah you didn't get those pleasures.  The funny thing is, through all of the neglect that you put upon your mother, she still loved you.  Told us when your birthday was, recalled stories about your childhood, and wondered how you were.  Was she perfect?  No of course not.  The only perfect person in this whole mess of a world we crucified, so how could she be.  Truth all the same.  So now she has got a stamp with how many months she's got left in the world.  Suddenly you are all tears and sad facebook posts and telling the world to feel sorry for YOU because YOU will be missing out on the mother that YOU previously disowned.  It must be terrible for YOU to feel so lost.  So messed up to not know what YOU are going to do without her. Just thinking about it probably makes YOUR stomach cramp up and the breath leave YOUR lungs.  How are YOU going to get on with life without the anchor that held YOU steady??  Must be tough.   For us.  It's tough for us.  YOU don't know.

I hope some day my hatred for you dissolves into nothing.  I seriously hope it does.  If you are the reason I don't get to frolic with Jesus, I would be pissed.  You shouldn't get that kind of glory. If I'm going down (literally) then it better be to something like Satan himself, because that is a worthy opponent.  He at least stood for something and stuck by it. 

But for now I'm livid.  I'm burning with a rage I've never felt before.  How can you come in and take everything when for 20 plus years you've done nothing.  We would have been fair to you.  Trust me, my other half would have made me be fair to you. Even though you don't deserve it.  But you took everything with a false smile on your face and a lie of a tear in your eye. 

How do you sleep at night?