Updates

Oh so long.  Sorry everyone (2 readers??) I've been super busy being a hot mess and kinda finding myself and Jesus on a daily basis.  

Drinking a sleepy time blend after losing my ass on candy crush after a long as day at work.

Work isn't what it used to be.  I used to get annoyed with my co-workers but love my job.  Now I mostly love my co-workers and hate my job.

Every second of every day I crave the unknown.  I crave adventure in the forms of fresh air, green trees, seeing something everyday so beautiful my breath is stolen away, learning new things, and love in the moonlight.

Tonight was a super moon eclipse!!  It's my first time seeing an eclipse and I'll be honest with you, it rocked my world.  Tonight my craving for a breathless moment was answered.

I love how huge events happen in your life and they mean so much and you're never sure if you'll ever get over it, until one day...it doesn't mean anything.  Not the day you lose someone and find out what life isn't really about, I'm talking those feelings you think you have and really you just need to eat a sandwich.  I giggle now, even though I'll probably do it again sometime in life.  Hopefully not, cause it's a waste of time and emotions.  

I realize that people love in different ways, not fully, but to an extent.  Sometimes though meet me where I need you to be.  I'd give you anything.  I give more than I have to those I love, I probably always will, but I need you to be there, don't push, be gentle.  I'm not as strong as I think I am.

I'm going to be spending a lot of time by myself for a little bit.  I need to examine things and try to figure it out enough that I don't watch myself cry.  The tears seem more honest and desperate than they have before.

There's this woman that's kind of stole my heart.  I look at her and am in awe.  We don't see each other very much anymore, cause life is getting in the way, but she always seems to stitch me up where I've been torn.  She's unfailingly generous and funny without trying.  She tells me when I'm being silly and listens to me talk about things she doesn't believe in.  She moves me to be better, to try harder, to spin more colors.

I miss her.

I'm finally getting sleepy so I'll close with this.  Your story is what grips me.  Never lie to me.  Cliche saying but when you think about it for a bit longer than you really should it makes you grin; star shine brightest at night.  Let's change it to; stars are brightest when they're surrounded by darkness.

Warrior on.

A shitty fact

So I'm losing weight.  I need to, I'm huge.  But the shitty thing is, even after I lose this weight all just have excess skin and no boobs so I'll still be unattractive to humanity.  So I'll become healthy to have a better life, so I can live longer....alone?  Kinda Fucked up. 

Skin removal average 3 to 10 grand.  Awesome.

Breast Implants up to 5 grand. 

Should I start taking donations now? 

A legit prayer.

I'm taking a prayer challenge.  I'm sure you've heard me talk about going to college for youth ministry so this shouldn't be a big surprise for anyone.  This is the challenge.
 For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen 

 I don't know the love of God.  I don't have the slightest idea.  I don't know love at all to be honest.  So my prayer starts there.

Awesome God, 
You know I have a hard time saying how I feel, or asking for help, or talking at all.  I know that you're here and you haven't given up on me and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to try and get my life together.  Then again I can't do it on my own so I'm sorry it's taken me so long to even attempt to ask for your help.  I pray God that you would show me your love and help me to understand it.  Let me see myself as you see me, just a little bit.  I pray that you strengthen me in this one area so that it can manifest and show up in all the areas of my life.  I don't want to take anything from this world when I leave, but I do want to leave plenty behind.  In the way that I was able to be Christ to anyone who needed it, and I think we all need it.  Show me your love God, fill me with your power.

God I pray for the same thing for my loved ones.  The ones lost in depression and filled with hopelessness.  The one's that are a slave to their sin filled addictions.  I pray for the ones that don't know you at all.  I pray that you bask them in your strength, that you move in their souls.  God if you showed them how I see them as strong, beautiful, intelligent and interesting people that I love so much, maybe they would begin to see themselves in a different way.  I pray that you break the holds that this world has on them, as you've promised, and open their eyes to the way it is.  God you are their conqueror and nothing is impossible once they realize this.

God my life is changing.  I was told to pray big specific prayers.  The main one is to be overwhelmed with some knowledge of your supernatural love, to feel some love.  God I need to change in almost every way.  I need my heart to change.  I need my way of seeing myself to change.  I need you.  I need you to tear down the walls I've built and use me to your glory.  I need to know my purpose in this world.  The depression has to go away.  I can't think of myself as unlovable anymore.  I can't walk this world hoping that today is my last.  I need to walk this world as a living billboard for your amazing love.  I need to be a warrior for you.  I don't know if this is really what I need but I think it is.   Since I'm without any direction in my life it should be easy for you to point me in the right one.  I ask that I excel in my current job, that I do you as well as the people around me proud.  I pray that you open my heart Lord.  Heal my sore body. The weight of the world is resting on my shoulders at times and I'm done doing this world on my own. I am not strong enough to take care of it all by myself.  Even though for years I've thought I could.  I know it's not your problem, and I got myself into all this mess but please God, help me.  Give me some of your power.  Show me your supernatural Love.
Amen

Flight of fancy

A lot of things are changing.  A part of me craves it!  I welcome the change.  Right now I'm sitting fully dressed with my books packed and the strongest desire has come over me to run.  Just fucking run away.  I have like a hundred dollars to my name, two cats to take care of and a sister and mother who would be lost if I left and I don't care.  I don't care.  I don't think it's solely because I'm sad, I'm not stupid i know if I'm sad here I'll be sad somewhere else.  But that ever present feeling of being trapped is here.  I can't shake it.  I know I'm blessed.  God loves me something fierce or I would have been done awhile ago.  I know I have a good life.  I just can't seem to make my heart feel the same as my mind is telling me.  Or is it the other way around.  Heart knows what's best and my mind is making up some troubles for me.  I write the beginning of this story so many times.  Where I pack up in the middle of the night, fill my gas tank, write some letters and disappear.  Now I've actually got the opening scene to my own private story sitting in my living room and I can taste it.  I can feel the need clawing at me.  It's this deep ache for something more.  In terms of responsibility I am blessed with fewer than most.  I don't have kids.  I have bills and a job and two cats whom I love, but who I could leave.  That kills me to say but it's true. I could leave them.  I have a boy I'll never be good enough for and who will never look at me that way.  I have my sister.  My other half, the only one I think is close enough to getting me, but she has someone to hold her together now.  It's not just the two of us.  And my mom, who would hurt the most.  But at the same time I think she'd get it.  Common sense tells me to sit here and not throw away a good job and a family and a life to ease the need.  It'll pass, you'll be fine, you always are..  Common sense is a bitch sometimes.  I want to go.  I need to.

Inside Out

Went and saw the new Pixar movie with my soul friend tonight.  I understand why people say this will cause talk about mental issues.  I don't know what I have but lately it's been almost impossible for me to not be sad, to not be depressed.  I try and get myself out of the funk, I try.  But it's there.  So I wonder if my joy ran off with disgust or something!?  haha.  I know lame, but possible true.  Game of Thrones! !  Off to read world.  Behave.

Freedom

I never want to be have fear control my life.  I love my mother but she lets a speech impediment control her.  She is it's bitch.  I never want to let something have that much power over me.  It's held her back in all aspects of her life.  Her love life, as in she has been alone for 26 years almost.  Her job.  She's been up for management positions several times and she wont do it for fear of talking.  In simple everyday things that we do so easily, like ordering coffee, or talking on the phone.  All of this is never done by her.  Granted she has gotten a tad better, meaning she will attempt to speak sometimes in gatherings, but she is still consumed by this thing.  I also have fears. I fear failure above almost anything.  Who's definition of failure?  Societies.  Even if I went by my own set of values, I'm still a failure.  I fear never falling in love and having that love returned.  Which is a new fear as I was perfectly content to do everything by myself for the longest time.  I fear never being happy.  This sounds foolish to a lot of people, but if you ask me when I was the happiest I couldn't tell you a time.  I could give you multiple hardships and times where I've crawled out of the massive pit a couple of times but true happiness?  I think that comes with freedom.  Which is my ultimate goal in life.  Freedom.  Freedom from the things of this world.  I've often said how un-materialist I am, it's not a lie.  My vices in that area are books and Dutch Bros and I am partial to running water (although I haven't had water in my house for two years now so I can survive).  My dream would be a green tiny house (green as eco friendly, although color wise it is my favorite) out in the woods somewhere.  Free from the debt I collected when I was young and stupid.  Free from the demons of my soul.   Free to live and love and be loved.  I imagine this picture multiple times a day...in it I have a Dire wolf because why the fuck not, or some rescued pitty, and we're just happy.  If I'm feeling super hopeful I throw a man in there too, but mostly it's that elusive and unfelt feeling that I'm imagining.  Freedom.  Happy.  So I'm taking steps.  I'm trying to work on myself, which is always the hardest.  Even if I'm not happy I'm safe right now.  Safe in my little cocoon of fat and protected by my walls of despair.  I'm not saying this for pitty, I'm saying this because it needs to be said.  People have to overcome, we have to strive to be something better than we were yesterday.  By your own standards.  Not society.  If you are a spiritual person like I am, you can be better by the Creator's standards, and you two work something out.  No one knows your soul like the one who made it.  So here's to beating our fears and becoming free.  My ancestors were warriors.  I'm a warrior.  I will be free.
 

Little bit of a story

Each time she made it home it was a small victory.  Tonight would be no different.  She would get home and go to bed and start the day again and nothing would change.

The parking lot was bright as always and the fear never really started til she got past the first stop light.  She could drive through town but it took three times as long as the back roads and despite her outwardly disposition she had a life to lead.  Besides she was a grown up and grown ups aren't afraid of childish things like the dark.  To be honest though she didn't fear the dark, rather what blended into it.

So she turned left at the stop light as usual and made her way home with the windows up and the radio turned up.  

She kept her eyes on the road ahead and refused to look at the fields to either side of her.  At least it wasn't corn fields.  Name one horror movie that didn't have a corn field.  That's right, it's impossible, they all have corn fields.  

The road was long and curvy and deserted.  She rarely if ever came across another vehicle at this time of night. 

It was at the first stop sign that the hair on her arms stood up and a chill went through her body.  She sat frozen afraid to look and afraid not to look.  Something was watching her.  It was on her left side.  She could feel it.  She knew.

Leaving the stop sign in her dust, and holding her breath.  Ten more minutes and she would be safe in her home, in her bed, safe.

But what was that shadow?  What was that blur?  

65 miles per hour and what was that shadow?  There was no logical explanation for what could be moving that fast.  It was a farming community.  How fast could cows run?

Breathing was becoming a desperate pant and tears were dangerously close.  How long had she avoided this?  How long had it been waiting for her?  A second stop sign was coming up quick, if she didn't lose it now she wouldn't make it past.

80 miles per hour and no sign of the shadow.  Coming up on the stop sign she reluctantly forced herself to stop.

What is it about human nature that makes us want to look when we know we shouldn't?

Just a quick peek, only from the side of her eye, only for a second.

Nightmares pale in comparison.

Every last whisp of breath left her body.

Fear is not able to explain the instant shaking of her body.  Hands too unsteady to keep a hold of the wheel.  In that instant, it was known that she wouldn't be making it home and that any of the most terrible ways to die would be better than her fate.

Slamming a foot as hard as she possibly could, she shot away from the sign, blinded by the tears streaming down her face.

It ran in front of the car.  Easily, as if it was strolling through a park on a sunny day.

If she could have mustered it she would have been screaming, but it was like a nightmare.  You try and try to make a noise but nothing comes out.

As easily as it appeared it disappeared.  It was gone.  The headlights picked up nothing but the chipped pavement and the swaying grass, the broken fence.

65 miles an hour and trying to hold the wheel steady through the tremors.  

Five minutes away from home.

Dare she believe that maybe she had escaped fate again?  

Last stop sign of the night and then it was into town and home free.  

With more control then thought possible she executed a proper stop.  With more bravery then she ever felt she looked full on to the side.

Into the dark.

Nothing was there

Finally air returned to her lungs and she left the stop sign with a hiccup of thanksgiving.

She crossed the bridge into her home base and sighed, looking into the review mirror at the nightmare she had escaped.